I was first introduced to the concept of muscle memory in, not surprisingly, a fitness magazine.
While it seemed to my scientific mind like a "muscle-headed" concept at the time (ahem), I've been reading, and thinking, about Muscle Memory again, and how it applies to the ongoing issue of memorization.
FOR THE UNINITIATED, "Muscle Memory" refers to how a formerly fit person's body gets back into shape after time away from the gym. According to the theory, the muscles of a formerly buff, in-shape bodybuilder "remember" their previous state of, well, "jacked-ness;" as a result, a fit person will get back into shape in less time than a novice would require to achieve the same level of fitness, since the fromerly-fit person's muscles carry a sort of "memory" of being in shape.
See what I mean? Hair-brained.
On another level, though, it had a degree of anecdotal truth: I knew from my own experience as a runner that I'd "get it back", after an absence from running, in much less time than a beginner would require to reach my level of fitness. Still, I chalked much of that up to experience and psychology, assumed it was a mind-over-matter thing, and otherwise thought little of it.
But now Muscle Memory is back. Recent research into soft-tissue structure and functioning is providing some interesting, and startling, insights, and may even be proving the muscleheads right. No, I'm not going to get all scientific on you, but consider: all the mushy stuff inside you (well, most of it, anyway) is tissue. Brain? Tissue. Muscles? Tissue. Intestines, stomach, etc? You guess it-- tissue. Yet, organ-wise, we've been brought up to think that all of our thought and awareness and memory occurs, and is stored, solely in our brain. In other words, our brain tissue is somehow fundamentally different than all the other tissue in our bodies.
But what if it isn't? Think: how does your stomach "remember" what to do? How does a bone "remember" what it felt like before you slipped and broke it? Researchers are exploring the idea that brain tissue may not be the only place in our bodies where what we think of as "memory" is stored after all.
"Well, duh. "
I hope that's what you're thinking as you read this, because every actor should innately understand the link between muscular activity and memorization.
Why? Because speaking is a physical activity. You speak with your muscles as much as your mind. The muscular activity involved in speaking is subtle, yes, but so is surgery, and certainly no one would underestimate the importance of motor skills to the guy who does your gums. And it's always seemed to me, even back in my own acting days, that deep concentration never led to quicker memorization-- and now scientific thought supports what I've been saying to many of you for years: you carry the memory of your lines in your mouth as much as your brain.
Think not? Then try this simple test: say the Pledge of Allegience.
Right now, out loud. DON'T THINK-- look away from your I-phone or laptop or whatever RIGHT NOW and do it.
GO.
•
•
•
•
Done? How'd you do?
Here's what I know: if you didn't say it perfectly, you at least came pretty damned close. Now some of you have seen this exercise done in my class-- if you were lucky, you witnessed a fellow actor, fully insistent on the futility of the exercise, growing more amazed as strange words came out of their mouth that they were absolutely certain no longer existed there. Me, every time I watch this exercise I think I'm witnessing something of a miracle. Here's why:
Chances are, you haven't thought of those words in years. for many of you, it's been DECADES since you last spoke them. More, you didn't wake up this morning thinking about your "big Pledge of Allegiance audition." In fact, you didn't "rehearse" the words at all-- you just looked up and started speaking. And out they came.
So where were they? In what corner of your brain were they sitting, assumedly forgotten, waiting to be instantly called up? I think there's something to the possibility that they were lodged somewhere in your muscle fiber.
The lesson is clear: whether you've got two weeks or two hours or twenty minutes, your focus during memorization should be on Muscle Memory. I've long maintained that memorizing is an athletic activity-- and as with any athletic activity, one can be in, or out of, shape. Like any exercise, you become a better memorizer by working the muscle of memorization.
How? Mainly by simply speaking, not "acting," your lines OUT LOUD again and again and again. And again.
Most of you may be familiar with the "speed through"-- the up-tempo running of lines with regard for little but speed. (Back when I was acting, this was sometimes called an "Italian" run-- we guessed that it had to do with the notion that Italians speak quickly, which is certainly true; others theorized that it had something to do with opera, but no one was really sure. And I digress.)
If done properly, the "speed-through" may be the most efficient way I know of to quickly internalize text. But keep in mind that diction CANNOT be a casualty of the speed-through. If you're speaking so quickly that you begin to mumble, slow it down. If anything, it will help to over-pronounce during the speed-through. Lines get lodged in your mouth muscles when you work them, hard.
Why does this work? Because by focusing on tempo... you, the actor, free yourself from worry about performance. You're not trying to be good, you're trying to be fast. And here's secret number #1 about the speed-through: a little performance creeps in anyway.
Secret #2? When left alone to rehearse, actors tend to weigh a scene down with Meaningful Pauses. What actors don't notice, during the speed-through, is that some of their pauses creep in anyway-- but only those that are necessary to the scene. There's no time for the others, and they rightfully fall away. So remember:
1) STOL. In other words, Six Times Out Loud. This should be an Actor Law, especially as relates to auditions: when you go in to audition, it should be AT LEAST the sixth time you've read the scene OUT LOUD.
2) OUT LOUD means FULL VOICE, whatever that may be. This is my least favorite thing: watching actors eagerly run off to their fifteen minutes of prep, and on those occasions that I may pass them on my way to the restroom, I find them deep in thought, script in hand-- and SILENT. They'we wasting incredibly precious time THINKING about something they should be SPEAKING about.
So when approaching memorization, focus on putting the words in your jaw muscles, not your brain. And if you were a jock in high school, and not a brainiac? Ends up you might be the better memorizer, after all. Who'da thunk it?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A working Christmas
On my birthday, I wake up at noon. But I have an excuse for this.
To make sense of it, let's back up a few days.
On Tuesday I'm in LA, on the set of a new series, working with my client and friend Eliza as she to pours herself into an enormous role. She's in almost every scene of this 63-page mountain of a script, courtesy of the young writers Jed and Maurissa (more on them later...). As if that weren't enough, Eliza's playing a recently deceased 55-year-old woman who's been put into her young body (it's complicated) and must return to her own home, as a young stranger, and endure the quite painful and unexpected things that are said to her, about her-- all while trying to unearth a truth without being found out. Like I said, it's complicated.
Thing is, my original trip to LA was intended to be one of my quick out-and-back jobs; fortunately, I'm able to rearrange things to remain in LA for the duration of the shoot. I've only got one commitment that I simply won't bail out on (yes, a class...). But the scheduling gods are smiling: class day, Wednesday, is the lightest on the schedule, so... if I leave Wednesday on a God-help-me 8AM flight out of LAX, I can arrive in NYC in time to do what I've got to do; then, if I can drag myself onto an 8AM flight back the next morning...
On Wednesday, traffic to LAX is light, thank God... I make my flight, which lands at JFK on time... arrive at my office at 5:30 to find a private client waiting and ready to go. I work with the client, then interview two potential new students before finally, at seven, teach what is my last class of the year. I'm back in my apartment at about 11:30... and can't sleep. I force myself into bed a little after midnight.
_______________________________________________
So, Thursday. To keep things simple let's do this in LA time:
I'm up at 4 AM (7AM East Coast), and in a cab at 4:20AM, back out to JFK for my return.... no upgrade (dammit!), but at least the flight's smooth, and on schedule. I'm in LAX by noon, pick up the rental car, head to Eliza's house... where I learn that, due to their late night on Wednesday, call time has been pushed. Sa-weet! I'm not due on set until 3PM, and Eliza's first scene goes off at four.
But but but... "set," in this case, is at a rural ranch about an hour out of LA, so as soon as I'm unpacked, I leave. I think they exaggerate about the drive, but no-- it's a solid hour before I turn into a remote ranch somewhere in Ventura county. Ends up they're doing pickups until the sun goes down, so there's little to do but work some scenes, run some lines, wander the property, relax.
I am reminded from time to time how California has its own beauty. The distant hills, bare save for a lone tree here and there, remind me of... something, something... a memory from high school, I think. I am, for a moment, completely dislocated. Or maybe that's fatigue.
Darkness comes and we head inside the stables, and as the night progresses I am again reminded of the work I do with so many of you in New York.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: what's happening on this set here (LA) is really no different than what we do there (NYC). Bigger crews and better cameras (and craft services!), that's about it. For this first scene, a bench has been placed along the wall dividing two stables, its smooth newness feeling out of place against the worn boards of the stables. But no matter-- most of the scene will be covered in close-up so the bench won't really stand out. The director sets up the scene-- "Jordan, you come in from over there--" she points to a vague location off camera-- "and Eliza, you're... no, why don't you both walk up to the bench and sit down."
So. The two actors step back a few steps, wait for "rehearsal... action!", then walk up, sit down, and play this important scene in which truths are revealed that move the story forward. That's all-- two actors, sittin on a bench, covered by two close-ups, one per side. They run it just once before clearing out for the crew to descend on the space and prep the scene, at which point we'll come back and quickly shoot it.
Sound familiar?
I am struck again and again by the... unlikeliness of this thing, this making of movies and television. Really, it shouldn't work: there are too many people, it's too disjointed; most of all, though, all of their work focuses on performers who perform (sometimes in rented horse stables in the middle of the night)without an audience. They only way it works - when it works - is through some alchemy of aligning desires and trust. So many people must be so proficient at their jobs (...a "boom guy?" Really? But, ya know, it's a talent, and it's important...), and must all desire quality above even, say, job security-- more, they all must trust that the others involved are equally committed and good at their own peculiar jobs. And the strangest job of all, of course, is held by those in front of the camera, those who must both forget the small army of tired, anxious, concentrated faces staring at them... and yet not. Those who must believe only in the intimacy of an imagined moment but don't tilt your head because you'll block the light!
As frustrated as I can get, folks-- I do respect the job a film actor does. (my constant question: do you?)
Anyway. Southern California is in the midst of a cold spell-- and out here, in the inland foothills, the temperature has dropped below forty degrees. Sure, it doesn't sound like much, but when you're under-dressed and standing around... I flip open my cel phone: 9PM. Friday on the East Coast. Happy Birthday to me, I think to myself as I gaze at the moon for a few seconds more before heading back inside.
The "bench scene" comes and goes. As we move on, I'm reminded again about the difficulty of "Be Good Now."
For those unfamiliar with the term, "Be Good Now" is, as those who study with me say, a" PK-ism". For me, Be Good Now refers to a particular challenge: one of the talents required to act on film is the ability to do wonderful, truthful work when we need you to do it. It matters not at all how good you were yesterday, or in rehearsal, or in your trailer, or even during the run-through fifteen minutes ago-- all that matters is your ability to dliver the goods when we call action. Theatre actors don't have this problem, as much-- they know when they need to Be Good (it usually begins a few minutes after 8 at night), and can set their emotional performance clock, their prep rituals, accordingly (Think not, Theatre Person? Imagine if the stage manager, even once, would walk into the dressing rooms at 7:45 and say "hey, guys? The audience is really late, so we're gonna push curtain to 10:30."). But the film actor....
The value I add on a set comes from the fact that I prioritize one thing, and one thing only: my client's performance in that monitor. I'm not looking at the focus, or the light; I'm not even looking at my watch. And what I see in that monitor is the moment of Now. And the way I see it, the film actor's job? Be Good Now. That's the point of all of it: the casting, the rehearsals, the re-writing, the re-lighting... and if the actor can't bring it, RIGHT THEN, in a chilly stable smelling of horse manure and hay... then, really, what's the point? Of all of this?
When everyone's fresh and there's plenty of time, my job is easy(ish), and rewarding. But as we move toward midnight, a crew of twenty in a cold, cramped horse stall... the pressure to allow the B+, to say sure, good enough, skyrockets.
The truth? Sometimes, just once in a while... we do it, Eliza and I. We allow the B+. Because we have to-- there's a flicker in her eyes, just a glance between us, and we both know it-- after hours of takes and re-takes, new angles, and all that waiting... her tank is dry. She is something of an all-star at Be Good Now, Eliza is-- but like all seasoned pros she's also had to develop a pretty damned good B+ as well. And sometimes it literally saves the day.
In my experience, the novice film actor has no B+. They just kinda fall apart.
MIDNIGHT passes, west-coast midnight... cast and crew have passed "cold and tired" a while ago... but thankfully, we end with a fight scene. Here's the thing: location doesn't matter, age doesn't matter-- Boy Actors the world over love them their Fight Scenes. The energy perks, the DP goes hand-held, which picks up the pace. Still, we go right up to twelve-hour before wrapping at almost 3.
The 101 freeway is empty, but I resist the temptation to go too crazy on the drive back --the last thing we need is a chance encounter with the CHP-- and we're back at about 3:40AM. I've been awake for almost 24 hours, most of it in transit. For my birthday I decide to allow myself a some sleep.
SO now you know.
_________________________________________________
When I wake up (at noon), good news: today we're "on the lot," and at about one PM Eliza and I commence the tag-team drive down the hill to Fox.
I will always have a fondness for the fact that Eliza is one of the few drivers consistently more aggressive than I; as we slalom down Coldwater Canyon, however, it occurs to me that she doesn't realize that a pretty starlet is likely to receive far different treatment from the Beverly Hills PD than some dude with an out-of-state license. (actually, in my speeding experience, having a New York City driver's license adds an all-or-nothing element to the proceedings: if the cop's from anywhere at all in New York, provided I can talk intelligently about the Yankees my license becomes a get-out-of-jail-free card. Otherwise, it's: "well I don't know how they drive in NEW YORK CITY...") (But I digress.)
So I've lost Eliza by the time I turn into the main gate. once there, I lie and tell the guard that I've never been here before. Why? Because no matter how many times I do this (and I had my first drive-on to the Fox lot in the late eighties), I never tire of the following:
Guard: "You been here before?"
Me: "Nope-- first time."
Guard: "OK. you're gonna go past New York Street, make a right at Star Wars, then right again..."
Make a right at Star Wars. For me that never gets old.
We've got four more long, long days before the episode is over. Four days of craft service, rehearsing in a trailer, running lines during the one-hundred-yard van trip from trailer to set; four days of staring at monitors and trying to keep the work fresh through that push-pull of waiting-acting-waiting-acting that is the Television Shoot.
I get to know Jed and Marissa, the young couple who've written the episode, pretty well; Jed, in particular, is attentive to all the goings-on. We talk acting, and though he still sometimes analyzes moments in terms of "shouldn't he do it like (line reading)?", he's getting the hang of trusting the actors to do some of the work he needs the script to do. He'll direct soon, and be good at it.
Provided, of course, he stops bursting into song. He's given to spasms of impromptu musical creativity, like the following after a scene is shot:
We're checking-- the gate!
We're checking-- the gate!
We're checking,
ch-checking,
ch-checking-- the gate!
And then we'll-- move OONNNNN!!!
Really, Jed should just get it over with and write that Broadway musical that's inside him, yearning to breathe free. Maurissa, his partner, is supportive of this-- I want to tell her to stop enabling him! when suddenly she kicks in with a harmony on some Monty Python piece. Funny thing, love. And for no reason that I can explain, that reminds me of the AWESOME Pecan Pie Bars that are at Crafty. I'm off!
The days go on like this. As is common on TV, day and night become attached not to the movement of the sun but to call times, and meals. Finally, at eight one night, we're done. Eliza's got a commitment and she dashes off; I check into some non-descript motel, and crash.
Good thing, too. I'm awoken by my phone - it's Eliza, on the set. The next episode has begun. We were both too burnt out to work it the night before, and her first shot goes off at nine. ACTORS, pay attention: new character, new script. Twelve hours later. I badly want to return to the set, but for personal reasons I've got to head east. I can delay no longer.
Christmas asserts itself in funny ways in Southern California. Out here, one has to be reminded of the season; for me, that's done by the radio. Over the past week I've heard all my favorites, save for one: "Christmastime is Here," the choral theme to the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I'm not ashamed to admit that I own not only the Special itself (on VHS and DVD) but Vince Grimaldi's classic soundtrack CD as well. So I'm about a mile from the Alamo place -- and I swear I do not make this up, I mean I'm two minutes from dropping off the car-- when on comes that chorus of young voices: "Christmas tiiiime is herrre...." I've got a few minutes to spare, so why not: I take a right and spin through the neighborhood for a minute, letting the song play out as I note the surprising quality and ambition of the lawn decor in this modest neighborhood.
Driving past one candy-cane-festooned walkway, I get it: this is all one needs, really-- a few quiet minutes in Inglewood, driving your rented Pontiac, listening to Charlie Brown while taking a self-guided tour of the Best of Southern California Holiday decor. The Holiday spirit is upon me at last.
So now a week has passed and it's Christmas Eve. After returning to New York, I've driven through the snow to Vermont, to Boston, and back; I've gone to one funeral, and another wake; it's raining, and I've got strepp throat. LA already feels a million miles away.
Or maybe not. By the time I leave my apartment to head to midnight mass, it's warmed up to sixty degrees-- with the rain, it's almost exactly the weather of my last night in LA. As I hustle through the rain, sprinting against the light across Houston Street, I marvel at a God that allows such a life.
Truly, I do. And as I'm thinking about that, and about my time in LA and being here now, it hits me: it was my birthday then. It's His birthday now. Happy Birthday to you, Lord.
PK
To make sense of it, let's back up a few days.
On Tuesday I'm in LA, on the set of a new series, working with my client and friend Eliza as she to pours herself into an enormous role. She's in almost every scene of this 63-page mountain of a script, courtesy of the young writers Jed and Maurissa (more on them later...). As if that weren't enough, Eliza's playing a recently deceased 55-year-old woman who's been put into her young body (it's complicated) and must return to her own home, as a young stranger, and endure the quite painful and unexpected things that are said to her, about her-- all while trying to unearth a truth without being found out. Like I said, it's complicated.
Thing is, my original trip to LA was intended to be one of my quick out-and-back jobs; fortunately, I'm able to rearrange things to remain in LA for the duration of the shoot. I've only got one commitment that I simply won't bail out on (yes, a class...). But the scheduling gods are smiling: class day, Wednesday, is the lightest on the schedule, so... if I leave Wednesday on a God-help-me 8AM flight out of LAX, I can arrive in NYC in time to do what I've got to do; then, if I can drag myself onto an 8AM flight back the next morning...
On Wednesday, traffic to LAX is light, thank God... I make my flight, which lands at JFK on time... arrive at my office at 5:30 to find a private client waiting and ready to go. I work with the client, then interview two potential new students before finally, at seven, teach what is my last class of the year. I'm back in my apartment at about 11:30... and can't sleep. I force myself into bed a little after midnight.
_______________________________________________
So, Thursday. To keep things simple let's do this in LA time:
I'm up at 4 AM (7AM East Coast), and in a cab at 4:20AM, back out to JFK for my return.... no upgrade (dammit!), but at least the flight's smooth, and on schedule. I'm in LAX by noon, pick up the rental car, head to Eliza's house... where I learn that, due to their late night on Wednesday, call time has been pushed. Sa-weet! I'm not due on set until 3PM, and Eliza's first scene goes off at four.
But but but... "set," in this case, is at a rural ranch about an hour out of LA, so as soon as I'm unpacked, I leave. I think they exaggerate about the drive, but no-- it's a solid hour before I turn into a remote ranch somewhere in Ventura county. Ends up they're doing pickups until the sun goes down, so there's little to do but work some scenes, run some lines, wander the property, relax.
I am reminded from time to time how California has its own beauty. The distant hills, bare save for a lone tree here and there, remind me of... something, something... a memory from high school, I think. I am, for a moment, completely dislocated. Or maybe that's fatigue.
Darkness comes and we head inside the stables, and as the night progresses I am again reminded of the work I do with so many of you in New York.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: what's happening on this set here (LA) is really no different than what we do there (NYC). Bigger crews and better cameras (and craft services!), that's about it. For this first scene, a bench has been placed along the wall dividing two stables, its smooth newness feeling out of place against the worn boards of the stables. But no matter-- most of the scene will be covered in close-up so the bench won't really stand out. The director sets up the scene-- "Jordan, you come in from over there--" she points to a vague location off camera-- "and Eliza, you're... no, why don't you both walk up to the bench and sit down."
So. The two actors step back a few steps, wait for "rehearsal... action!", then walk up, sit down, and play this important scene in which truths are revealed that move the story forward. That's all-- two actors, sittin on a bench, covered by two close-ups, one per side. They run it just once before clearing out for the crew to descend on the space and prep the scene, at which point we'll come back and quickly shoot it.
Sound familiar?
I am struck again and again by the... unlikeliness of this thing, this making of movies and television. Really, it shouldn't work: there are too many people, it's too disjointed; most of all, though, all of their work focuses on performers who perform (sometimes in rented horse stables in the middle of the night)without an audience. They only way it works - when it works - is through some alchemy of aligning desires and trust. So many people must be so proficient at their jobs (...a "boom guy?" Really? But, ya know, it's a talent, and it's important...), and must all desire quality above even, say, job security-- more, they all must trust that the others involved are equally committed and good at their own peculiar jobs. And the strangest job of all, of course, is held by those in front of the camera, those who must both forget the small army of tired, anxious, concentrated faces staring at them... and yet not. Those who must believe only in the intimacy of an imagined moment but don't tilt your head because you'll block the light!
As frustrated as I can get, folks-- I do respect the job a film actor does. (my constant question: do you?)
Anyway. Southern California is in the midst of a cold spell-- and out here, in the inland foothills, the temperature has dropped below forty degrees. Sure, it doesn't sound like much, but when you're under-dressed and standing around... I flip open my cel phone: 9PM. Friday on the East Coast. Happy Birthday to me, I think to myself as I gaze at the moon for a few seconds more before heading back inside.
The "bench scene" comes and goes. As we move on, I'm reminded again about the difficulty of "Be Good Now."
For those unfamiliar with the term, "Be Good Now" is, as those who study with me say, a" PK-ism". For me, Be Good Now refers to a particular challenge: one of the talents required to act on film is the ability to do wonderful, truthful work when we need you to do it. It matters not at all how good you were yesterday, or in rehearsal, or in your trailer, or even during the run-through fifteen minutes ago-- all that matters is your ability to dliver the goods when we call action. Theatre actors don't have this problem, as much-- they know when they need to Be Good (it usually begins a few minutes after 8 at night), and can set their emotional performance clock, their prep rituals, accordingly (Think not, Theatre Person? Imagine if the stage manager, even once, would walk into the dressing rooms at 7:45 and say "hey, guys? The audience is really late, so we're gonna push curtain to 10:30."). But the film actor....
The value I add on a set comes from the fact that I prioritize one thing, and one thing only: my client's performance in that monitor. I'm not looking at the focus, or the light; I'm not even looking at my watch. And what I see in that monitor is the moment of Now. And the way I see it, the film actor's job? Be Good Now. That's the point of all of it: the casting, the rehearsals, the re-writing, the re-lighting... and if the actor can't bring it, RIGHT THEN, in a chilly stable smelling of horse manure and hay... then, really, what's the point? Of all of this?
When everyone's fresh and there's plenty of time, my job is easy(ish), and rewarding. But as we move toward midnight, a crew of twenty in a cold, cramped horse stall... the pressure to allow the B+, to say sure, good enough, skyrockets.
The truth? Sometimes, just once in a while... we do it, Eliza and I. We allow the B+. Because we have to-- there's a flicker in her eyes, just a glance between us, and we both know it-- after hours of takes and re-takes, new angles, and all that waiting... her tank is dry. She is something of an all-star at Be Good Now, Eliza is-- but like all seasoned pros she's also had to develop a pretty damned good B+ as well. And sometimes it literally saves the day.
In my experience, the novice film actor has no B+. They just kinda fall apart.
MIDNIGHT passes, west-coast midnight... cast and crew have passed "cold and tired" a while ago... but thankfully, we end with a fight scene. Here's the thing: location doesn't matter, age doesn't matter-- Boy Actors the world over love them their Fight Scenes. The energy perks, the DP goes hand-held, which picks up the pace. Still, we go right up to twelve-hour before wrapping at almost 3.
The 101 freeway is empty, but I resist the temptation to go too crazy on the drive back --the last thing we need is a chance encounter with the CHP-- and we're back at about 3:40AM. I've been awake for almost 24 hours, most of it in transit. For my birthday I decide to allow myself a some sleep.
SO now you know.
_________________________________________________
When I wake up (at noon), good news: today we're "on the lot," and at about one PM Eliza and I commence the tag-team drive down the hill to Fox.
I will always have a fondness for the fact that Eliza is one of the few drivers consistently more aggressive than I; as we slalom down Coldwater Canyon, however, it occurs to me that she doesn't realize that a pretty starlet is likely to receive far different treatment from the Beverly Hills PD than some dude with an out-of-state license. (actually, in my speeding experience, having a New York City driver's license adds an all-or-nothing element to the proceedings: if the cop's from anywhere at all in New York, provided I can talk intelligently about the Yankees my license becomes a get-out-of-jail-free card. Otherwise, it's: "well I don't know how they drive in NEW YORK CITY...") (But I digress.)
So I've lost Eliza by the time I turn into the main gate. once there, I lie and tell the guard that I've never been here before. Why? Because no matter how many times I do this (and I had my first drive-on to the Fox lot in the late eighties), I never tire of the following:
Guard: "You been here before?"
Me: "Nope-- first time."
Guard: "OK. you're gonna go past New York Street, make a right at Star Wars, then right again..."
Make a right at Star Wars. For me that never gets old.
We've got four more long, long days before the episode is over. Four days of craft service, rehearsing in a trailer, running lines during the one-hundred-yard van trip from trailer to set; four days of staring at monitors and trying to keep the work fresh through that push-pull of waiting-acting-waiting-acting that is the Television Shoot.
I get to know Jed and Marissa, the young couple who've written the episode, pretty well; Jed, in particular, is attentive to all the goings-on. We talk acting, and though he still sometimes analyzes moments in terms of "shouldn't he do it like (line reading)?", he's getting the hang of trusting the actors to do some of the work he needs the script to do. He'll direct soon, and be good at it.
Provided, of course, he stops bursting into song. He's given to spasms of impromptu musical creativity, like the following after a scene is shot:
We're checking-- the gate!
We're checking-- the gate!
We're checking,
ch-checking,
ch-checking-- the gate!
And then we'll-- move OONNNNN!!!
Really, Jed should just get it over with and write that Broadway musical that's inside him, yearning to breathe free. Maurissa, his partner, is supportive of this-- I want to tell her to stop enabling him! when suddenly she kicks in with a harmony on some Monty Python piece. Funny thing, love. And for no reason that I can explain, that reminds me of the AWESOME Pecan Pie Bars that are at Crafty. I'm off!
The days go on like this. As is common on TV, day and night become attached not to the movement of the sun but to call times, and meals. Finally, at eight one night, we're done. Eliza's got a commitment and she dashes off; I check into some non-descript motel, and crash.
Good thing, too. I'm awoken by my phone - it's Eliza, on the set. The next episode has begun. We were both too burnt out to work it the night before, and her first shot goes off at nine. ACTORS, pay attention: new character, new script. Twelve hours later. I badly want to return to the set, but for personal reasons I've got to head east. I can delay no longer.
Christmas asserts itself in funny ways in Southern California. Out here, one has to be reminded of the season; for me, that's done by the radio. Over the past week I've heard all my favorites, save for one: "Christmastime is Here," the choral theme to the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I'm not ashamed to admit that I own not only the Special itself (on VHS and DVD) but Vince Grimaldi's classic soundtrack CD as well. So I'm about a mile from the Alamo place -- and I swear I do not make this up, I mean I'm two minutes from dropping off the car-- when on comes that chorus of young voices: "Christmas tiiiime is herrre...." I've got a few minutes to spare, so why not: I take a right and spin through the neighborhood for a minute, letting the song play out as I note the surprising quality and ambition of the lawn decor in this modest neighborhood.
Driving past one candy-cane-festooned walkway, I get it: this is all one needs, really-- a few quiet minutes in Inglewood, driving your rented Pontiac, listening to Charlie Brown while taking a self-guided tour of the Best of Southern California Holiday decor. The Holiday spirit is upon me at last.
So now a week has passed and it's Christmas Eve. After returning to New York, I've driven through the snow to Vermont, to Boston, and back; I've gone to one funeral, and another wake; it's raining, and I've got strepp throat. LA already feels a million miles away.
Or maybe not. By the time I leave my apartment to head to midnight mass, it's warmed up to sixty degrees-- with the rain, it's almost exactly the weather of my last night in LA. As I hustle through the rain, sprinting against the light across Houston Street, I marvel at a God that allows such a life.
Truly, I do. And as I'm thinking about that, and about my time in LA and being here now, it hits me: it was my birthday then. It's His birthday now. Happy Birthday to you, Lord.
PK
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
On Imagination, and Boredom: a letter to my class
This was written after a long class one night.
I've been thinking about class last Wednesday, and what we've got ahead of us.... and, in truth, I'm worried that we won't be ready to shoot next week. Oh, sure, I can get it all on film; we pretty much know what we're doing, who's going where, all that.
That's not my point. My point is that I left last night feeling that a number of the scenes lacked the connection, commitment and forward motion essential to the material. So I wrote this little note.... that turned into something of a missive. I tend to do that.
I think most of these scenes need another week. Normally, we'd just have to chalk this up to a learning experience and move on, but since this is the last session of the year we've got some wiggle room. As for what follows: be warned that some of it is a little tough-love, and read on.
AFTER CLASS, a few of you commented that watching me "step in" and run a little of the scene with Paula really helped. So let's talk about what you saw.
Like so many people in this business, I started out as an actor. I still love the doing of it. More, I respect the doing of it. And while I am not even beginning to suggest that I'm God's gift to the craft, I do know one thing: I am constitutionally unable to allow myself to be bored while I'm acting. Honestly, that is unthinkable to me. I can't imagine faking emotion. I can't imagine writing those silly notes about "line delivery" in my script.
The INSTANT I'm bored when acting... I'll do something. I'll think weird thoughts. I'll push, I'll stretch, I'll invent.
Every time I act I do this. Every single time I work with a private client, every single time I read with one of you in my office, I personalize (in other words, believe in YOU), I commit; I push you with the deep-rooted hope that you will, God-help-me, PUSH BACK. When and if you do, I start having fun.
So what, exactly, did I do when I read with Paula? Simple. First, I began with reality:
1) I know Paula.
2) I have a birthday. (I do!)
Then, all I had to do was use the MIRACLE POWERS OF MY IMAGINATION to believe that:
1) my birthday is tomorrow.
2) Paula gave me a crappy gift last year -- one of those gifts that SHE likes but no one else really does. (here, I realize, I can reference a family member who has a talent for this)
3) Paula isn't as good a friend as she thinks she is. And I want her to notice, respect, and deal with what I'm feeling.
Finally... I up the stakes:
I'm FUCKING SICK of her not noticing what I'm feeling. I'm FUCKING sick of that attitude, and if she was a FRIEND she'd notice that something's going on with me and she'd STOP PLAYING THAT STUPID GAME.
And that's it. I'm off to the races. All my energy is on Paula. If she indulges herself, I won't be patient, I'll CUT HER OFF OR JUMP HER LINE because this is MY LUNCH too, dammit (please note I'm no longer even thinking "scene"), and I'm not here to mark time while she looks around. Or, maybe I'll use what she's doing as fuel for the fire I'm feeling. Either way, I ain't bored. I am in the moment, and human moments are always, always, compelling.
To stay committed - to move, and to be moved by another - this is the point of acting, the challenge of it, the fun of it.
It's the talent.
And developing that talent is why you're in my class. Right?
Guys: we know we can speak English. We know how scripts work, basically: you say all of these words, the other actor says all of those words. Before we even got started in class I knew you all could do that.
So if that's all I see you doing... I love ya, but I'm bored.
I'm bored because, honestly? You're bored. Worse, you're doing something that you can only get away with in class: you're asking the audience to work harder than you are. You're asking US to care more, to believe more; you're asking US to push, to feel, to commit.... precisely those things we need you to do for us. That's your job. And you can never, ever get away with phoning it in out in the world; you shouldn't ever do it in class. And whenever your work or someone else's work feels slow, or draggy, "speeding up" won't help. Caring more will.
And, yes, last week was meant to be about the practical, but still.
Story for you:
About fifteen years ago (ouch), I was the artistic director of a theatre company in Boston, and I directed the Boston premiere of Execution of Justice, a play about the Harvey Milk assassination and the subsequent trial of Dan White. It's an epic script. There are twenty four listed cast members in the play, and I didn't double up a single one of them. (Because that's the Peter Kelley way, dammit!) It was an all-consuming, draining, impossible project. In short, I loved every minute of it.
Until opening night. The house was full, all the major Boston papers were there, hopes and expectations were high-- and somehow ("why" is still very much a mystery to me) one of the very first actors to speak... took a nice... long... pause before doing so. What we used to call a truck-driver pause (as in: "you could back a truck through that pause"). And all I could do was stand, horrified, as pause-itis spread like friggin' Herpes through the TWENTY-FOUR PERSON cast.
They added almost twenty minutes to the run time of the play that night. A two-hour, fifty-minute play that asked a lot of the audience to begin with. I knew that the famous Boston press was not, to put it mildly, going to be kind to us. I wanted to kill the cast. The stage manager did, too, so we called the cast into the house for a meeting after the audience had left, before the cast party was to begin. (No lethargy about getting to THAT, I imagined).
Me: "So, uhm.... what happened tonight?"
One actor, a leader of the bunch, all morning-talk-show contemplative: "it felt a little... off. It was slow."
Then another, nodding thoughtfully in agreement: "it definitely felt slow."
I was stunned. All this nodding, this clinical, objective assessment, as if I was in front of a panel of scientists discussing a far-off phenomenon that had nothing to do with them. As if the long long LONG, self-indulgent, bad community-theatre, spirit-killing pace that a PAYING AUDIENCE had just been forced to sit through to had not been their doing.
Me: ".......hey, GUYS?..."
I was later told several cast members felt certain I was going to hit them.
"THERE IS NO 'IT.' YOU are 'IT.' 'It was slow,' 'it was off,' 'it dragged...
WRONG.
YOU were slow. YOU were off. YOU dragged. Because YOU didn't care. PERIOD."
We were, for the most part, slaughtered in the press. Even remembering it, I gotta take a few deep breaths.
"OK, I see your point," you're thinking, "but what if you don't like (or maybe don't get) the script?"
Ahhhh, yes. Blaming The Script. Second story:
THERE'S an old Pledge of Allegiance exercise we did (no, not the one I sometimes do in class) back when I was studying acting. The exercise is simply this: say the Pledge of Allegiance... but as a monologue.
So, naturally, like any monologue, you are saying it to someone (of your imaginative creation) for a reason (of your imaginative creation).
That's it. That's the exercise. It's a choice-making exercise, it's a commitment exercise, it's an exercise meant to illustrate a baseline truth about (good) acting: never let the words do the work. YOU do the work. You can decide that you're using the Pledge to seduce someone, to cajole someone, whatever.
So this one woman, well... as she started in, she was terrified. She was slow, halting, and...pleading? She fought back (real) tears; it seemed for a moment is if she wasn't going to make it through. Though we didn't know what was happening, everyone in the class was riveted.
What had she invented? This: someone was holding onto her cute, tiny, four-year-old daughter... and if she didn't say the Pledge perfectly, word for word, that person was going to snap her little girl's neck off.
Brilliant. Why?
1) The stakes could not have been higher. More, the stakes were specific. I have mentioned the essential importance of specificity to some of you so many times, but I will do it again: as a choice, "someone is going to hurt my daughter" is vague, and therefore boring, and therefore useless. "That huge man with the thick forearms is going to snap my daughter's neck right off" is evocative, it's specific, and it's kind of horrifying.
See the difference?
2) the unlikeliness of failure. The thought that suddenly, with the stakes that high, she might screw up this simplest of things, and how the thought of screwing up paralyzed her. This is quite similar to people with fear of heights -- if they approach a high ledge they are gripped with an irrational fear that the laws of gravity might suddenly be reversed, or that they themselves might fail at standing. Standing. That simplest of things that they do every day suddenly becomes a precarious act.
The actor's complete belief in those two truths, in combination, made drama out of the speaking a set of words we've all heard hundreds of times. And, remember: she didn't even have another actor to work off of. All she had - all she needed - was her imagination and her ability to care.
Now I'm not suggesting that you have to make crazy-assed choices in your scene. I AM suggesting that even a crazy-assed choice is better than not being connected, and if you're not connected, hey, give it a shot.
Do you guys understand how severely, how impossibly, how laughably the odds are against you in this business? Why make them even worse by not caring?
Last point.
People ask me sometimes if I can "tell" talent. Those same people also (and mainly) want to know whether I could have "told" that the stars I worked with were going to make it when I first began working with them. Here's the thing: the people who ask may think these two questions are one and the same, but in reality they are only marginally related. Unfair, yes. But true.
First thing I will tell you: yes, I can see talent. It is as immediately apparent to me as beauty. (no, you may not ask me about yours)
The second thing I will tell you: none of the "famous" actors I have worked with was initially the most talented person in their acting class or the standout at the audition. None. Not one. (Actually, that's not true: there was one. But only one. And no, I'm not telling.)
Think about that for a second before you obsess about your level of talent.
What they all had in common was drive. They were driven to the point of being boring (they mostly wanted to talk about their careers, which gets old for an acting teacher pretty quick), and they were competitive to a point that was almost unhealthy.
Translation: they wanted to be the best person in the class. Every time. Every scene. Sometimes they were, sometimes they weren't. No matter-- each time, they gave it their very best shot.
Do you?
So there you go. Hope it wasn't too harsh, but then, hey, I'm an acting teacher-- I gotta blow it out now and then. Part of the job.
Thanks for listening.
PK
I've been thinking about class last Wednesday, and what we've got ahead of us.... and, in truth, I'm worried that we won't be ready to shoot next week. Oh, sure, I can get it all on film; we pretty much know what we're doing, who's going where, all that.
That's not my point. My point is that I left last night feeling that a number of the scenes lacked the connection, commitment and forward motion essential to the material. So I wrote this little note.... that turned into something of a missive. I tend to do that.
I think most of these scenes need another week. Normally, we'd just have to chalk this up to a learning experience and move on, but since this is the last session of the year we've got some wiggle room. As for what follows: be warned that some of it is a little tough-love, and read on.
AFTER CLASS, a few of you commented that watching me "step in" and run a little of the scene with Paula really helped. So let's talk about what you saw.
Like so many people in this business, I started out as an actor. I still love the doing of it. More, I respect the doing of it. And while I am not even beginning to suggest that I'm God's gift to the craft, I do know one thing: I am constitutionally unable to allow myself to be bored while I'm acting. Honestly, that is unthinkable to me. I can't imagine faking emotion. I can't imagine writing those silly notes about "line delivery" in my script.
The INSTANT I'm bored when acting... I'll do something. I'll think weird thoughts. I'll push, I'll stretch, I'll invent.
Every time I act I do this. Every single time I work with a private client, every single time I read with one of you in my office, I personalize (in other words, believe in YOU), I commit; I push you with the deep-rooted hope that you will, God-help-me, PUSH BACK. When and if you do, I start having fun.
So what, exactly, did I do when I read with Paula? Simple. First, I began with reality:
1) I know Paula.
2) I have a birthday. (I do!)
Then, all I had to do was use the MIRACLE POWERS OF MY IMAGINATION to believe that:
1) my birthday is tomorrow.
2) Paula gave me a crappy gift last year -- one of those gifts that SHE likes but no one else really does. (here, I realize, I can reference a family member who has a talent for this)
3) Paula isn't as good a friend as she thinks she is. And I want her to notice, respect, and deal with what I'm feeling.
Finally... I up the stakes:
I'm FUCKING SICK of her not noticing what I'm feeling. I'm FUCKING sick of that attitude, and if she was a FRIEND she'd notice that something's going on with me and she'd STOP PLAYING THAT STUPID GAME.
And that's it. I'm off to the races. All my energy is on Paula. If she indulges herself, I won't be patient, I'll CUT HER OFF OR JUMP HER LINE because this is MY LUNCH too, dammit (please note I'm no longer even thinking "scene"), and I'm not here to mark time while she looks around. Or, maybe I'll use what she's doing as fuel for the fire I'm feeling. Either way, I ain't bored. I am in the moment, and human moments are always, always, compelling.
To stay committed - to move, and to be moved by another - this is the point of acting, the challenge of it, the fun of it.
It's the talent.
And developing that talent is why you're in my class. Right?
Guys: we know we can speak English. We know how scripts work, basically: you say all of these words, the other actor says all of those words. Before we even got started in class I knew you all could do that.
So if that's all I see you doing... I love ya, but I'm bored.
I'm bored because, honestly? You're bored. Worse, you're doing something that you can only get away with in class: you're asking the audience to work harder than you are. You're asking US to care more, to believe more; you're asking US to push, to feel, to commit.... precisely those things we need you to do for us. That's your job. And you can never, ever get away with phoning it in out in the world; you shouldn't ever do it in class. And whenever your work or someone else's work feels slow, or draggy, "speeding up" won't help. Caring more will.
And, yes, last week was meant to be about the practical, but still.
Story for you:
About fifteen years ago (ouch), I was the artistic director of a theatre company in Boston, and I directed the Boston premiere of Execution of Justice, a play about the Harvey Milk assassination and the subsequent trial of Dan White. It's an epic script. There are twenty four listed cast members in the play, and I didn't double up a single one of them. (Because that's the Peter Kelley way, dammit!) It was an all-consuming, draining, impossible project. In short, I loved every minute of it.
Until opening night. The house was full, all the major Boston papers were there, hopes and expectations were high-- and somehow ("why" is still very much a mystery to me) one of the very first actors to speak... took a nice... long... pause before doing so. What we used to call a truck-driver pause (as in: "you could back a truck through that pause"). And all I could do was stand, horrified, as pause-itis spread like friggin' Herpes through the TWENTY-FOUR PERSON cast.
They added almost twenty minutes to the run time of the play that night. A two-hour, fifty-minute play that asked a lot of the audience to begin with. I knew that the famous Boston press was not, to put it mildly, going to be kind to us. I wanted to kill the cast. The stage manager did, too, so we called the cast into the house for a meeting after the audience had left, before the cast party was to begin. (No lethargy about getting to THAT, I imagined).
Me: "So, uhm.... what happened tonight?"
One actor, a leader of the bunch, all morning-talk-show contemplative: "it felt a little... off. It was slow."
Then another, nodding thoughtfully in agreement: "it definitely felt slow."
I was stunned. All this nodding, this clinical, objective assessment, as if I was in front of a panel of scientists discussing a far-off phenomenon that had nothing to do with them. As if the long long LONG, self-indulgent, bad community-theatre, spirit-killing pace that a PAYING AUDIENCE had just been forced to sit through to had not been their doing.
Me: ".......hey, GUYS?..."
I was later told several cast members felt certain I was going to hit them.
"THERE IS NO 'IT.' YOU are 'IT.' 'It was slow,' 'it was off,' 'it dragged...
WRONG.
YOU were slow. YOU were off. YOU dragged. Because YOU didn't care. PERIOD."
We were, for the most part, slaughtered in the press. Even remembering it, I gotta take a few deep breaths.
"OK, I see your point," you're thinking, "but what if you don't like (or maybe don't get) the script?"
Ahhhh, yes. Blaming The Script. Second story:
THERE'S an old Pledge of Allegiance exercise we did (no, not the one I sometimes do in class) back when I was studying acting. The exercise is simply this: say the Pledge of Allegiance... but as a monologue.
So, naturally, like any monologue, you are saying it to someone (of your imaginative creation) for a reason (of your imaginative creation).
That's it. That's the exercise. It's a choice-making exercise, it's a commitment exercise, it's an exercise meant to illustrate a baseline truth about (good) acting: never let the words do the work. YOU do the work. You can decide that you're using the Pledge to seduce someone, to cajole someone, whatever.
So this one woman, well... as she started in, she was terrified. She was slow, halting, and...pleading? She fought back (real) tears; it seemed for a moment is if she wasn't going to make it through. Though we didn't know what was happening, everyone in the class was riveted.
What had she invented? This: someone was holding onto her cute, tiny, four-year-old daughter... and if she didn't say the Pledge perfectly, word for word, that person was going to snap her little girl's neck off.
Brilliant. Why?
1) The stakes could not have been higher. More, the stakes were specific. I have mentioned the essential importance of specificity to some of you so many times, but I will do it again: as a choice, "someone is going to hurt my daughter" is vague, and therefore boring, and therefore useless. "That huge man with the thick forearms is going to snap my daughter's neck right off" is evocative, it's specific, and it's kind of horrifying.
See the difference?
2) the unlikeliness of failure. The thought that suddenly, with the stakes that high, she might screw up this simplest of things, and how the thought of screwing up paralyzed her. This is quite similar to people with fear of heights -- if they approach a high ledge they are gripped with an irrational fear that the laws of gravity might suddenly be reversed, or that they themselves might fail at standing. Standing. That simplest of things that they do every day suddenly becomes a precarious act.
The actor's complete belief in those two truths, in combination, made drama out of the speaking a set of words we've all heard hundreds of times. And, remember: she didn't even have another actor to work off of. All she had - all she needed - was her imagination and her ability to care.
Now I'm not suggesting that you have to make crazy-assed choices in your scene. I AM suggesting that even a crazy-assed choice is better than not being connected, and if you're not connected, hey, give it a shot.
Do you guys understand how severely, how impossibly, how laughably the odds are against you in this business? Why make them even worse by not caring?
Last point.
People ask me sometimes if I can "tell" talent. Those same people also (and mainly) want to know whether I could have "told" that the stars I worked with were going to make it when I first began working with them. Here's the thing: the people who ask may think these two questions are one and the same, but in reality they are only marginally related. Unfair, yes. But true.
First thing I will tell you: yes, I can see talent. It is as immediately apparent to me as beauty. (no, you may not ask me about yours)
The second thing I will tell you: none of the "famous" actors I have worked with was initially the most talented person in their acting class or the standout at the audition. None. Not one. (Actually, that's not true: there was one. But only one. And no, I'm not telling.)
Think about that for a second before you obsess about your level of talent.
What they all had in common was drive. They were driven to the point of being boring (they mostly wanted to talk about their careers, which gets old for an acting teacher pretty quick), and they were competitive to a point that was almost unhealthy.
Translation: they wanted to be the best person in the class. Every time. Every scene. Sometimes they were, sometimes they weren't. No matter-- each time, they gave it their very best shot.
Do you?
So there you go. Hope it wasn't too harsh, but then, hey, I'm an acting teacher-- I gotta blow it out now and then. Part of the job.
Thanks for listening.
PK
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Park City Diaries, Vol. 2: a pilgrimage, indeed.
"It'll take about fifteen minutes, right?"
It's my first question as I climb into the cab. It's six AM, and my flight out of La Guardia's at 7:05. And that's not good.
Yes, it's true: I'm headed back to Park City. This year, I won't be there with a film; this year, I'm accompanying my friend and client Eliza Dushku, a Park-City novice who's appearing in a film in competition. Way back in December, when I found out her film got in, I was surprised to learn that no one had urged Eliza to attend the festival; now, five weeks and dozens of phone calls later, the crew has grown to four, including Eliza's agent, manager, and brother in addition to myself. I fear this makes me part of an entourage but I decide to refer to us all only as a crew. In truth, I'm not sure what to expect. Her team promises me that we're gonna do Park City right-- parties, swag, all of it.
So again I'm on a Pilgrimage. Some of you may remember that on last year's Pilgrimage I broke road warrior rule #1: Never, Ever, Check Luggage. Due to the last-minute nature of my travel plans, this year I'm violating Rule #2: Never, Ever, Book a Connecting Flight. Worse, I think to myself as our battered minivan bounces over the Williamsburg bridge (why do I always manage to flag down the hated minivan?): here it is I'm already late. The thought triggers a deja vu: I was late last year, as well, I think-- and I'm remembering that unlike my customary JFK-LAX route I can't simply "take the next flight" if I miss this one. But no worries: my cab driver is dangerously fast (my favorite!), and I'm there by twenty-five past six. LaGuardia is, praise Jesus, uncrowded.
As some of you may remember from last year, the one taste of The Good Life I allow myself is my Big Kahuna status on American Airlines. No endless line, no kiosk for me, no, I simply stride up to the first executive-class check-in agent I see and ask about my upgrade request. This morning it's Diane. Diane is impressively perky for 6:25 AM.
"Well let's just take a look, Mr. Kelley... (taptaptaptaptap)....OK, I can help you out to Dallas (taptaptap) and to Salt Lake..." Tap tap tap...
...all at once her face goes slack. It's as if somehow the Zapruder film has begun playing on her computer screen. She's hypnotized by what she sees, and mutters to herself:
"Oh my... wow."
I deduce that I won't be flying first class on the flight into Salt Lake, and tell her as such. She chuckles.
"No. That flight is..." --she runs her finger down the screen, still enthralled-- "forty nine seats oversold. Wow."
She glances at me, then back at the screen. Makes an executive decision. "OK, I'm gonna..." She resumes furiously tapping. A boarding pass spits out. She sneaks a conspiratorial smile.
"I stole an exit row for you on that Salt Lake flight." She slides me the boarding pass, and I actually detect a note of fear in her voice as she whispers: "Don't lose this."
Then, as I'm leaving she adds: "You know, it's a holiday weekend. Martin Luther King Day. That's what it is."
Well, not quite.
The remainder of my time in La Guardia is calm, and flight number one departs without incident. Thing is, though, I'm sick. My head throbs, my gut aches, every blink seems to scratch my eyeballs; I feel wickedly hung over without even having had the pleasure, as it were, the night before. The back of my throat has become Normandy Beach: I feel endless waves of virus storming my body's beachead defenses, and those bunkers ain't holding. Once onboard, I cannot nod off for more than five minutes without coughing myself awake. This sleep-cough-moan cycle repeats itself for the entire flight.
Eventually we touch down in Dallas. I cannot remember that last time I saw this broad an expanse of sky without at least a saw-toothed edge of mountains to define it. We taxi... and taxi... and taxi... our route even takes us up and down a slight hill, and I am certain I have never experienced that in an airliner before. I am, simply, overwhelmed by this airport: Kennedy is more crowded, sure, but it is dwarfed by the endless landscape of runways that seem to stretch all the way to that flat Texas horizon. Where am I?
Ends up I'm in a sovereign state known to its residents only as DFW. As I step off the jetway and get my bearings, I notice an odd feeling, a discomfort that takes me a moment to place: as a New Yorker, I am distrustful of the shiny and spacious and clean, and DFW is all three. Or maybe it's just that I'm still sick. I have almost four hours to wait in DFW and I am achy and exhausted and generally miserable. But as lug my roll-on in the general direction of my next gate (a TWENTY MINUTE walk, I am told), a pair of glowing, frosted-glass doors beckon to my left:
The Admiral's Club. Well, why not. I'm a mucky-muck, after all, might as well make use of it. I head inside.
"You're Platinum so you get a discount. It's forty dollars for a Day Pass."
This from Joan, behind the marble counter. We're alone in the lobby, and her hushed tone adds to the sanctuary feel of the place. Sensing my hesitation at the price, Joan begins to list the amenities that lie at the end of the hallway behind her: the club chairs, the internet access, the free beverages, blah blah blah. No sale, that's what I'm thinking-- but like any good real-estate agent, Joan's saved her fastball for last:
"We also have private showers. The ones here are new and really nice."
Suddenly, Joan and I are speaking the same language, and it has nothing to do with scoring a nooner with an American Airlines employee. I fork over the forty bucks and immediately head for the shower.
I am in shower suite #1, which is softly lit and roughly the size of a New York studio apartment. As I strip naked, I notice that the room is utterly silent. Every sound - the thunk of my carry-on as I drop it onto the rosewood luggage rack, the padding of my bare feet across the stone floor - is amplified. Or maybe I've been living in New York City for too long and am simply unaccustomed to peace.
One could drown under the sheer volume of warm water that cascades out of the rainforest showerhead. Isn't Texas in something of a draught? No matter. I am so tired, and this feels so good, I wonder if it isn't possible to sleep in a shower.
Well, it isn't. Not quite. Oh, it's comfortable enough, and warm enough, and there's something hedonistically ancient-Rome about curling into a fetal position on a warm-tile floor as you're gently massaged with hot water, but every time I start to nod off some primal, fear-of-drowning thing keeps me from the blissful nap I so desire. Suddenly, inspiration strikes. I step out of the shower, turn the water as hot is it can go, block the heat vent and stick a towel under the door (those old druggie skills put to use!)-- and in a few minutes I am in my own steam room. I drape the last pillowy white towel across the teak bench, and sleep. On reflection, I think it fair to say that I've not slept naked and blanket-less before in my life. At least not sober.
Out into the lounge, refreshed. I settle into a plush leather club chair and look around.
I am in the land of middle-aged White Dudes. It's so perfect, so uniform, it could be an exhibit in some exotic zoo, or one of those dioramas in a natural history museum. Funny thing, though: no one's wearing a suit here. All the Middle-Aged White Dudes are dressed to travel. Ill-fitting jeans (or pleated khakis) cinched too tight (and didn't those thin, black-and-chrome belts go out in the eighties?), with a polo shirt or black long-sleeved sweater up top.
Oh, and the Bluetooth. All of 'em. Every single one, yammering away, and as I listen to them I marvel, again, at the inefficiency and pomposity of American corporate culture (an oxymoron, yes?). I actually hear the following shouted into a Bluetooth with neither humor nor irony: "...yeah, Jeff emailed me that they've already got boots on the ground at the convention, so are we there in an overlay capacity?..."
'Are we there in an overlay capacity??' I want to tell this guy, who appears to be single, that the black-shoes-and-wide-jeans look he's rocking, coupled with that attitude... well, throw that Bluetooth in the mix and it's pretty much guaranteed that he will never, ever get laid without the aid of a credit card. But he's on a rap, so I decide it best not to interrupt his Flow.
As any Pilgrim knows, all rest stops must end, and it's time for me to get myself to Salt Lake. Off I go, to E-23.
The mob surrounding E-23, anxious and quiet, is not a good sign. Just as I'm near the gate, the standby list flashes on: still over forty names on standby for this flight. But I've got a boarding pass (thanks, Diane!) so I'm cool, and am not at all tempted by the announcement that passengers willing to give up their seat will get five hundred dollars (!) worth of free travel. Soon, the flight is called (on schedule!), and I'm on the plane. Seat 8A. Not a Big Seat, but not bad. And and and... my immune system seems to be beating back this cold. Things are looking up.
But as I'm gazing out the window, thinking thoughts of Park City, the voice of our Captain From the Flight Deck (do they all attend the same Airline Pilot voice-over school in the Midwest?):
"Hi folks-- well, we felt a little thud up here while we were gettin' our cargo loaded on-- as you can see, we've got a full flight, lots of bags, lots of skis... I had our first officer take a walk around the aircraft, do a visual inspection... aaaaand it looks like we've got a minor puncture in the skin. So, uhm, what all this means is... I'm gonna have to ask you all to get off the plane, because we're gonna take it out of service."
Why, oh why, did I break rule number two? NEVER, EVER, TAKE A CONNECTING FLIGHT. NEVER. EVER.
I am instantly in crisis mode. While my fellow passengers sit, stunned in a momentary haze of shock and denial, I am out of my seat like a shot, and within thirty seconds am grilling the gate agent on the situation. Ends up they're looking for a spare plane (...a spare plane? Like, "yeah, take the old DC-10 out back, keys are under the visor, should have about half a tank???"), and the relentlessly optimistic Gate Lady says she can "squeeze me onto a 9:10 PM flight." No good. But she assures me that there is no better place in the world to get a spare plane (again: a SPARE PLANE) than Dallas.
Amazingly, she's right. Less than an hour later and I'm back in a new seat 8A, on a shiny new plane at the very next gate over (and... are those passengers I see, boarding our old plane? Suckers.) All we need to do is push back.
...and get there.
And get the rental car.
And get to Park City.
And figure out where, exactly, I'm staying.
And go to Eliza's dinner and, afterward, the film's premiere.
At 8:30 PM. I glance at my cell phone: it's 2:50PM, Mountain Standard Time.
I suddenly wish I could take another shower.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Remarkably, the rest of the journey is incident-free.
Or had been, I think while sitting in my rented SUV, at a dead stop, staring at the endless stream of taillights leading into Park City. I still have heard no word from Eliza. It occurs to me that perhaps I won't. That's OK. I look up at the mountain ridges rising on either side of me, their high snowpack now purple with the very last of the light, and it hits me, again:
God, it's beautiful here. Maybe all these delays have a point. Maybe even this traffic jam. See, people ask me sometimes why I'm religious, more so now then when I was younger.
Maybe it's this: in the end, our life (all of us, Our Lives) is nothing more or less than what we do. Not what we hope for, or talk about, or fear; not what we want to do, or absolutely plan on doing, but the cumulative results of what we actually do. For me, more and more often I find I'm not at all sure of the results of a thing at the moment that I do the thing. But sometimes in those moments, those left-or-right, stop-or-go seconds right before a decision, there's a deep, quiet feeling, not so much that the action I choose is the right thing to do, but that it's the only thing to do. More: it's the only thing I can do. And sometimes, underneath that quiet feeling (if I look for it) is deeper feeling still, all but undetectable among the noise of my own vanities or doubts or fears, but it's there: a kind of trust that this thing I do will be the right thing. Even if I don't know what the right thing is.
It's that feeling that I have come to call Faith.
So it is with my being in Park City, in this SUV, in traffic. An act of faith.
I speak truth when I tell you that these are my thoughts as I make the (illegal) left turn onto Main Street... and my phone rings. Eliza.
"Pete, where are you? I just put your name at the door for the cast dinner, but we're sitting down-- how soon can you get here?"
Fifteen minutes later and still in my hiking boots and travel clothes and I'm seated between Eliza and her agent at a table elegantly set for a three course dinner. As goblets of wine are poured, our host points out that our meal is courtesy of one of the seven master sushi chefs in America. He then asks us to lift our appetizer plates-- underneath each of our plates are room key holders for the Venetian Lake Tahoe, and we're all thrilled-- until he informs us that only one holder actually contains a working key-- ends up Alan Rickman is the holder of the lucky key. Then discussion of business while enjoying the lobster truffles, the Kobe beef sirloin tips in a caramelized Wasabe marinade, the macadamia souffle with champagne sauce, then it's off to the premiere. Eliza goes to walk the press line; our crew has swelled to six, and there's a little bluffing, a little palming of tickets required to get us all in... finally, at eight-thirty, I'm sitting next to Eliza as the lights go down.
"What do you think, Pete?"
Eliza whispers the question in my ear. To this day, she is the only person I allow to call me "Pete."
I want to tell her that this is my favorite time. These few seconds, so, so precious: this magic time between when the lights have gone down, the chattering's stopped, and the movie's about to start. It is my favorite time in the world. I exist in these few seconds so fully that the rest of my life is balanced out - the disappointments, the growing questions, the growing fears. I think it may be my fate to be addicted to these seconds. I prize them more than money, or sex; more than the sense of security (that I so utterly lack) that I value more with age. These feelings are a voice, an articulate confirmation that this is why I'm here. I want to tell her how lucky we are to have a Favorite Thing, and to know it, that the years will teach her how many people spend their entire lives searching unsuccessfully for that thing. I want to tell her that this, just this, this moment, is why I crawled out of bed in New York City and into a cab and onto a plane and onto another plane and into a rental car to find myself in a movie theatre in the Utah mountains, thousands of miles from where I woke up. And I want to tell her that this moment would have been a little... less, somehow, if our journey to get here had required nothing more than a cabride uptown.
"I think it's pretty cool," I whisper back. "And I'm proud of you."
And it occurs to me that it's a good thing I took that shower. But that, I keep to myself.
It's my first question as I climb into the cab. It's six AM, and my flight out of La Guardia's at 7:05. And that's not good.
Yes, it's true: I'm headed back to Park City. This year, I won't be there with a film; this year, I'm accompanying my friend and client Eliza Dushku, a Park-City novice who's appearing in a film in competition. Way back in December, when I found out her film got in, I was surprised to learn that no one had urged Eliza to attend the festival; now, five weeks and dozens of phone calls later, the crew has grown to four, including Eliza's agent, manager, and brother in addition to myself. I fear this makes me part of an entourage but I decide to refer to us all only as a crew. In truth, I'm not sure what to expect. Her team promises me that we're gonna do Park City right-- parties, swag, all of it.
So again I'm on a Pilgrimage. Some of you may remember that on last year's Pilgrimage I broke road warrior rule #1: Never, Ever, Check Luggage. Due to the last-minute nature of my travel plans, this year I'm violating Rule #2: Never, Ever, Book a Connecting Flight. Worse, I think to myself as our battered minivan bounces over the Williamsburg bridge (why do I always manage to flag down the hated minivan?): here it is I'm already late. The thought triggers a deja vu: I was late last year, as well, I think-- and I'm remembering that unlike my customary JFK-LAX route I can't simply "take the next flight" if I miss this one. But no worries: my cab driver is dangerously fast (my favorite!), and I'm there by twenty-five past six. LaGuardia is, praise Jesus, uncrowded.
As some of you may remember from last year, the one taste of The Good Life I allow myself is my Big Kahuna status on American Airlines. No endless line, no kiosk for me, no, I simply stride up to the first executive-class check-in agent I see and ask about my upgrade request. This morning it's Diane. Diane is impressively perky for 6:25 AM.
"Well let's just take a look, Mr. Kelley... (taptaptaptaptap)....OK, I can help you out to Dallas (taptaptap) and to Salt Lake..." Tap tap tap...
...all at once her face goes slack. It's as if somehow the Zapruder film has begun playing on her computer screen. She's hypnotized by what she sees, and mutters to herself:
"Oh my... wow."
I deduce that I won't be flying first class on the flight into Salt Lake, and tell her as such. She chuckles.
"No. That flight is..." --she runs her finger down the screen, still enthralled-- "forty nine seats oversold. Wow."
She glances at me, then back at the screen. Makes an executive decision. "OK, I'm gonna..." She resumes furiously tapping. A boarding pass spits out. She sneaks a conspiratorial smile.
"I stole an exit row for you on that Salt Lake flight." She slides me the boarding pass, and I actually detect a note of fear in her voice as she whispers: "Don't lose this."
Then, as I'm leaving she adds: "You know, it's a holiday weekend. Martin Luther King Day. That's what it is."
Well, not quite.
The remainder of my time in La Guardia is calm, and flight number one departs without incident. Thing is, though, I'm sick. My head throbs, my gut aches, every blink seems to scratch my eyeballs; I feel wickedly hung over without even having had the pleasure, as it were, the night before. The back of my throat has become Normandy Beach: I feel endless waves of virus storming my body's beachead defenses, and those bunkers ain't holding. Once onboard, I cannot nod off for more than five minutes without coughing myself awake. This sleep-cough-moan cycle repeats itself for the entire flight.
Eventually we touch down in Dallas. I cannot remember that last time I saw this broad an expanse of sky without at least a saw-toothed edge of mountains to define it. We taxi... and taxi... and taxi... our route even takes us up and down a slight hill, and I am certain I have never experienced that in an airliner before. I am, simply, overwhelmed by this airport: Kennedy is more crowded, sure, but it is dwarfed by the endless landscape of runways that seem to stretch all the way to that flat Texas horizon. Where am I?
Ends up I'm in a sovereign state known to its residents only as DFW. As I step off the jetway and get my bearings, I notice an odd feeling, a discomfort that takes me a moment to place: as a New Yorker, I am distrustful of the shiny and spacious and clean, and DFW is all three. Or maybe it's just that I'm still sick. I have almost four hours to wait in DFW and I am achy and exhausted and generally miserable. But as lug my roll-on in the general direction of my next gate (a TWENTY MINUTE walk, I am told), a pair of glowing, frosted-glass doors beckon to my left:
The Admiral's Club. Well, why not. I'm a mucky-muck, after all, might as well make use of it. I head inside.
"You're Platinum so you get a discount. It's forty dollars for a Day Pass."
This from Joan, behind the marble counter. We're alone in the lobby, and her hushed tone adds to the sanctuary feel of the place. Sensing my hesitation at the price, Joan begins to list the amenities that lie at the end of the hallway behind her: the club chairs, the internet access, the free beverages, blah blah blah. No sale, that's what I'm thinking-- but like any good real-estate agent, Joan's saved her fastball for last:
"We also have private showers. The ones here are new and really nice."
Suddenly, Joan and I are speaking the same language, and it has nothing to do with scoring a nooner with an American Airlines employee. I fork over the forty bucks and immediately head for the shower.
I am in shower suite #1, which is softly lit and roughly the size of a New York studio apartment. As I strip naked, I notice that the room is utterly silent. Every sound - the thunk of my carry-on as I drop it onto the rosewood luggage rack, the padding of my bare feet across the stone floor - is amplified. Or maybe I've been living in New York City for too long and am simply unaccustomed to peace.
One could drown under the sheer volume of warm water that cascades out of the rainforest showerhead. Isn't Texas in something of a draught? No matter. I am so tired, and this feels so good, I wonder if it isn't possible to sleep in a shower.
Well, it isn't. Not quite. Oh, it's comfortable enough, and warm enough, and there's something hedonistically ancient-Rome about curling into a fetal position on a warm-tile floor as you're gently massaged with hot water, but every time I start to nod off some primal, fear-of-drowning thing keeps me from the blissful nap I so desire. Suddenly, inspiration strikes. I step out of the shower, turn the water as hot is it can go, block the heat vent and stick a towel under the door (those old druggie skills put to use!)-- and in a few minutes I am in my own steam room. I drape the last pillowy white towel across the teak bench, and sleep. On reflection, I think it fair to say that I've not slept naked and blanket-less before in my life. At least not sober.
Out into the lounge, refreshed. I settle into a plush leather club chair and look around.
I am in the land of middle-aged White Dudes. It's so perfect, so uniform, it could be an exhibit in some exotic zoo, or one of those dioramas in a natural history museum. Funny thing, though: no one's wearing a suit here. All the Middle-Aged White Dudes are dressed to travel. Ill-fitting jeans (or pleated khakis) cinched too tight (and didn't those thin, black-and-chrome belts go out in the eighties?), with a polo shirt or black long-sleeved sweater up top.
Oh, and the Bluetooth. All of 'em. Every single one, yammering away, and as I listen to them I marvel, again, at the inefficiency and pomposity of American corporate culture (an oxymoron, yes?). I actually hear the following shouted into a Bluetooth with neither humor nor irony: "...yeah, Jeff emailed me that they've already got boots on the ground at the convention, so are we there in an overlay capacity?..."
'Are we there in an overlay capacity??' I want to tell this guy, who appears to be single, that the black-shoes-and-wide-jeans look he's rocking, coupled with that attitude... well, throw that Bluetooth in the mix and it's pretty much guaranteed that he will never, ever get laid without the aid of a credit card. But he's on a rap, so I decide it best not to interrupt his Flow.
As any Pilgrim knows, all rest stops must end, and it's time for me to get myself to Salt Lake. Off I go, to E-23.
The mob surrounding E-23, anxious and quiet, is not a good sign. Just as I'm near the gate, the standby list flashes on: still over forty names on standby for this flight. But I've got a boarding pass (thanks, Diane!) so I'm cool, and am not at all tempted by the announcement that passengers willing to give up their seat will get five hundred dollars (!) worth of free travel. Soon, the flight is called (on schedule!), and I'm on the plane. Seat 8A. Not a Big Seat, but not bad. And and and... my immune system seems to be beating back this cold. Things are looking up.
But as I'm gazing out the window, thinking thoughts of Park City, the voice of our Captain From the Flight Deck (do they all attend the same Airline Pilot voice-over school in the Midwest?):
"Hi folks-- well, we felt a little thud up here while we were gettin' our cargo loaded on-- as you can see, we've got a full flight, lots of bags, lots of skis... I had our first officer take a walk around the aircraft, do a visual inspection... aaaaand it looks like we've got a minor puncture in the skin. So, uhm, what all this means is... I'm gonna have to ask you all to get off the plane, because we're gonna take it out of service."
Why, oh why, did I break rule number two? NEVER, EVER, TAKE A CONNECTING FLIGHT. NEVER. EVER.
I am instantly in crisis mode. While my fellow passengers sit, stunned in a momentary haze of shock and denial, I am out of my seat like a shot, and within thirty seconds am grilling the gate agent on the situation. Ends up they're looking for a spare plane (...a spare plane? Like, "yeah, take the old DC-10 out back, keys are under the visor, should have about half a tank???"), and the relentlessly optimistic Gate Lady says she can "squeeze me onto a 9:10 PM flight." No good. But she assures me that there is no better place in the world to get a spare plane (again: a SPARE PLANE) than Dallas.
Amazingly, she's right. Less than an hour later and I'm back in a new seat 8A, on a shiny new plane at the very next gate over (and... are those passengers I see, boarding our old plane? Suckers.) All we need to do is push back.
...and get there.
And get the rental car.
And get to Park City.
And figure out where, exactly, I'm staying.
And go to Eliza's dinner and, afterward, the film's premiere.
At 8:30 PM. I glance at my cell phone: it's 2:50PM, Mountain Standard Time.
I suddenly wish I could take another shower.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Remarkably, the rest of the journey is incident-free.
Or had been, I think while sitting in my rented SUV, at a dead stop, staring at the endless stream of taillights leading into Park City. I still have heard no word from Eliza. It occurs to me that perhaps I won't. That's OK. I look up at the mountain ridges rising on either side of me, their high snowpack now purple with the very last of the light, and it hits me, again:
God, it's beautiful here. Maybe all these delays have a point. Maybe even this traffic jam. See, people ask me sometimes why I'm religious, more so now then when I was younger.
Maybe it's this: in the end, our life (all of us, Our Lives) is nothing more or less than what we do. Not what we hope for, or talk about, or fear; not what we want to do, or absolutely plan on doing, but the cumulative results of what we actually do. For me, more and more often I find I'm not at all sure of the results of a thing at the moment that I do the thing. But sometimes in those moments, those left-or-right, stop-or-go seconds right before a decision, there's a deep, quiet feeling, not so much that the action I choose is the right thing to do, but that it's the only thing to do. More: it's the only thing I can do. And sometimes, underneath that quiet feeling (if I look for it) is deeper feeling still, all but undetectable among the noise of my own vanities or doubts or fears, but it's there: a kind of trust that this thing I do will be the right thing. Even if I don't know what the right thing is.
It's that feeling that I have come to call Faith.
So it is with my being in Park City, in this SUV, in traffic. An act of faith.
I speak truth when I tell you that these are my thoughts as I make the (illegal) left turn onto Main Street... and my phone rings. Eliza.
"Pete, where are you? I just put your name at the door for the cast dinner, but we're sitting down-- how soon can you get here?"
Fifteen minutes later and still in my hiking boots and travel clothes and I'm seated between Eliza and her agent at a table elegantly set for a three course dinner. As goblets of wine are poured, our host points out that our meal is courtesy of one of the seven master sushi chefs in America. He then asks us to lift our appetizer plates-- underneath each of our plates are room key holders for the Venetian Lake Tahoe, and we're all thrilled-- until he informs us that only one holder actually contains a working key-- ends up Alan Rickman is the holder of the lucky key. Then discussion of business while enjoying the lobster truffles, the Kobe beef sirloin tips in a caramelized Wasabe marinade, the macadamia souffle with champagne sauce, then it's off to the premiere. Eliza goes to walk the press line; our crew has swelled to six, and there's a little bluffing, a little palming of tickets required to get us all in... finally, at eight-thirty, I'm sitting next to Eliza as the lights go down.
"What do you think, Pete?"
Eliza whispers the question in my ear. To this day, she is the only person I allow to call me "Pete."
I want to tell her that this is my favorite time. These few seconds, so, so precious: this magic time between when the lights have gone down, the chattering's stopped, and the movie's about to start. It is my favorite time in the world. I exist in these few seconds so fully that the rest of my life is balanced out - the disappointments, the growing questions, the growing fears. I think it may be my fate to be addicted to these seconds. I prize them more than money, or sex; more than the sense of security (that I so utterly lack) that I value more with age. These feelings are a voice, an articulate confirmation that this is why I'm here. I want to tell her how lucky we are to have a Favorite Thing, and to know it, that the years will teach her how many people spend their entire lives searching unsuccessfully for that thing. I want to tell her that this, just this, this moment, is why I crawled out of bed in New York City and into a cab and onto a plane and onto another plane and into a rental car to find myself in a movie theatre in the Utah mountains, thousands of miles from where I woke up. And I want to tell her that this moment would have been a little... less, somehow, if our journey to get here had required nothing more than a cabride uptown.
"I think it's pretty cool," I whisper back. "And I'm proud of you."
And it occurs to me that it's a good thing I took that shower. But that, I keep to myself.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
A Christmas Story, Hollywood Style
As always: I do not make this up.
So it's Christmastime.
Even at my age, I still love the season; I love the feeling when the days get short and everything in New York City, it seems, winds down. Classes are done for the year, holiday events are past; all I could ask for to make my Christmas season complete is a little snow. This year I've got no plans for the holiday, so I can relax and enjoy the season. A quiet week awaits.
This is what I'm thinking, anyway, on the morning of the eighteenth.
The call comes in at around around 2PM. Client #1, wondering if it'd be possible for me to attend the major management meeting that's scheduled in Beverly Hills the next day. I'm sensing this is something I should attend, but, really... tomorrow? A week before Christmas? C'mon. Then, later, as I'm in the midst of my last email-check of the night, an incoming message: Client #2, and do I happen to be in LA and could I coach for a few hours on a film tomorrow? His director meeting's at 3:30, so could I work at, maybe, 2?
I dutifully call American Airlines, wondering, just for fun, what the fare might be for a no-advance-purchase, cross-country round trip the week before Christmas.
"Oooh, yeah, that's.... ouch. But let's take a look." I love these reservation ladies at American Airlines, with their flat Midwestern accents and their "roll-up-our-sleeves-and-get-to-work" attitude. I hear rapid keyboard taps from some grim workstation in some call center I can only imagine, when... "Well, now, hold on... huh. Here's what I got..."
She quotes a fare that is in fact remarkably low, considering that the flight's departing, you know, tomorrow. I grab it and head to bed, amazed at my luck. I'm gonna make the 12:30 meeting, and Big Client #2 has secured the EXACT SAME conference room (he's with the same Management company!), so we can work there from 1:30 to 3, at which time I'll rejoin Client #1 and attend the remainder of the day's Publicist meetings.
I'm up at 5:30 the next morning, and traffic to JFK is remarkably light. I'm there by 6:20-- a quick breeze through security, over to the Starbucks (no line!) where I decide to splurge on a festive holiday Pepperment Latte, and just as I'm back at the gate they've begun to board. We push back just a hair after 7:30.
Perfect. This has all gone just perfectly. And during the dreaded Peak Holiday Travel Season, no less. After two decades of this, I may finally be bi-coastal. I'm Cruising like Tom. I'm so golden I glow. Just then, from The Flight Deck:
"Hi, folks, your captain here... I'm getting kind of a funny read on one of the fuel pump gauges... ahhhww, it's probably nothing but, ahhhww, I'm gonna just pull us back into the nearest gate and have a mechanic take a look at it. Shouldn't be more than a few minutes and we'll have you all back on your way."
I'm not concerned. Really, I'm not. I'm crusing like Tom, remember? Even so, I've got a window seat where it's possible to see the door, so I watch.
It's fifteen minutes before a beat-up pickup truck pulls up alongside the plane and an aging, ponytailed roadie from the last Greatful Dead tour climbs out. No, wait: that's our mechanic. He climbs the stairs and boards. Five minutes later, he climbs down.
"Ahhw, this is your captain again... we got maintenance here, and they're just going to talke a look at those pumps, get us on our way. Shouldn't be more than...... fifteen, twenty minutes."
I'm certinaly no longer golden. Silver, maybe. But no lower, no bronze for me, no way. At least that's what I say to the ominous quease in my gut. Then this: "In case you're wondering, folks, nothing to be concerned about - we've actually got six fuel pumps on this plane, and even though it's safe to fly with five, I, ahhhww, just wanted to get that sixth one checked out."
Wait. Waitwaitwait. Let me see if I've got this straight: FIVE working fuel pumps (and probably all six) were not good enough for goodie-two-shoes in the pilot's seat?
Twenty-five minutes later the Roadie lumbers back up the stairs. Lumbers down a few minutes later and drives off. Silence.
Finally: "Hi folks-- well, good news is the pumps were all fine (!), and we're set to go. Bad news is... we burned off a lot of fuel sittin' here, so, ahhhww.... we're gonna wait and get ourselves topped off. Just as soon as we get a fuel truck out here it shouldn't be more than... another ten mintues. Thank you for your patience." And I'm thinking: no need to thank, Asshole, for I am not patient. I am seething. I am doing the awful time-crunch math and realize that what little cushion I had for the day is gone. If we leave now, and I mean RIGHT NOW, I can still make my day as planned in LA.
It is another half-hour before the truck arrives, fuels, and leaves. We do not move.
"Hi folks... your captain again... so we're fueled up and ready to go... but all our ground crews are a little tied up right now getting other planes out to the runway, so, ahhhww.... soon as we get a crew to push us back we'll be on our way."
Yeah, well, now it's FUCKING JFK RUSH HOUR, pal. As you know. A fact which you do not want to share with your passengers because of your now-justified fear that we might mutiny.
Finally, at 9:10, we push back-- and head to a more distant runway, for by now the wind has shifted. But but but but but.....by the time we get there (You-know-who is the most conservative pilot out here, and we lose position in line to not only those maniacs from Jet Blue --two of 'em!-- but, worse, to a fucking UPS cargo plane), and we're FINALLY Number One For Departure...
...the wind shifts. And we are routed clear back across JFK, one of the largest airports in the WORLD, to our original runway.
Remember: I do not make this up.
Our Leader, of course, does not have the courage to tell the other passengers this, to do the right thing and get on that PA and say: "ahhw, well, folks, if I'd been just a LITTLE LESS OF A PUSSY it would've been us taking off right now instead of those UPS boys, but since I'm -- well, ME-- I'm going to have to drive you all back across JFK where maybe, just maybe, I'll have to DO MY JOB AND ACTUALLY TAKE THIS PLANE OFF."
My 7:30 flight leaves the ground at 9:49. I have been on this plane for almost three hours, and there's a-six-hour flight ahead of us.
_________________________________________
IT'S RAINING when we touch down at LAX and we have made up no time whatsoever, but at least we're here. Unfortunately, by this point my inner "Golden Tom" has been replaced by New England Irish Catholic, "It's-always-something" Pete, and Irish Catholic Pete will not be happy until he's actually off this God-forsaken plane and sprinting through LAX Terminal 4.
And with good reason, for as soon as the plane swings off the runway... we stop.
I laugh. The hard, bitter laugh of the psychotic and the damned. The lady next to me is certain I am crazy, and she may at this moment be correct-- save for the fact that, unlike her, I Know. I have earned my Executive Platinum status, forged it through years of enduring every airline screw-up possible, and one thing I've learned is this: when it comes to Hell Trips, when it rains, it pours. At that very moment, as if reading my mind...
"Well folks... ahhhww..."
The swagger is gone from Our Leader's voice, replaced, in an amazing display of horrific people skills, by his "joking" voice as he attempts to make light of the LIVING HELL HE HAS CREATED: "you're not going to believe this (oh yes we are), but... looks like the jetway at our gate isn't functioning, heh-heh-heh... Don't really have a free gate right now (since we're TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATE FOR NO GOOD REASON) so we're just gonna taxi out past the gate area to keep things clear and just as soon as they find a gate for us we'll get you right back in there."
We taxi through a steady rain to the farthest corner of the airport. I think we may pass a shanty-town in some remote backwater of LAX before coming to a stop in a place best used for drug deals or gangland executions.
I stare out miserably at the pools of rain. Asshole has won. He knew he had the advantage on me, buckled into seat 24A; he understood my impotence against the sheer force of his incompetance. Over the past nine hours he has beaten the rage right out of me.
______________________________________________________________
And I think he senses this, for without fanfare we are moving again, and a little after 1PM I'm back on land. I want nothing more than to collapse onto some barstool and forget this TEN HOURS OF HELL, but I must dig deep and draw upon my inner reserves and remind myself that I'm HERE now. My time in LA just beginning.
I text everyone, lying that I'm in a cab and on my way... then sprint down the concourse in a fulll-out, broken-field run (I'm Tom Cruise again! Running through an airport!)... dodging Holiday Walruses lugging their rollaway "carry-ons" the size of steamer trunks... I'm FINALLY out the door...
...and there's a cab line. And, ya know, that's cool, I'm a new Yorker so no big deal-- except that there are no cabs. And, as I quickly realize, folks here in LA are a little fuzzy on the concept of the "cab line".
There are about half a dozen travelers forming a sort-of-line by a small, neglected Taxi sign. It's a far cry from the rough efficiency of the cab lines back at JFK, but I am nothing if not fair about these things, so I get in line. Problem: I don't see any cabs, and Cab Drought tends to threaten the order of the cab line. Fearing a Donner-Party Tragedy, the group in front of me leaves. I am now Officaly And According to Me #1 in the cab line.
But not for long, for now, from my left, comes a scrum of tourists. Midwesterners, my guess. They make furtive eye contact with me... they see the taxi sign... then their gaze shifts and I watch as they scan the clusterfuck of holiday traffic and spot the lone cab veering our way. The Chubby Dad sneaks a glance back my way (yes I fucking SEE you) before faux-innocently walking out, raising his hand, "oblivious" to me--
"--yeah hey THERE'S A LINE. " That was me. They notice me now.
The Midwesterners are startled at the hostility in my outburst. 'Another New Yorker,' that's what they're thinking as they glance my way and play-act "noticing" the taxi sign. God-dammed right, I want to tell them, but no time: I'm on a mission.
_______________________________________
One thing I've come to realize in my history of cab-riding in Los Angeles is, how do I put this... the remarkable flexibility of the lisencing process here. Provided it has four tires, as far as I can tell any shitbox that can get up to freeway speed can be a cab in LA. No time to ponder, though, since it's 1:20 when I climb into the minivan that's pulled up (why do I ALWAYS get the minivan?) and scrape the door closed.
"How long to Century City?" I demand. It comes out as something of a bark.
"Oh, forty-five minutes."
"WHAT?! How is that possible??"
"Well you know the rain. Everyone drive crazy."
And I finally, finally snap. Snap like a twig.
"How do you people DO it how DO you do it how does ANYONE live here? I HATE it here I HATE it here I fucking HATE it here."
My driver just chuckles. I ask him his name.
"Erhhrv-fha". He seems Hatian to me, so I decide it's Herve.
I choke back stinging tears of frustration as I settle in for more travel torture. But I am wrong, for Herve is posessed. He pilots his jalopy, this exhaust-belching rattlerap, at seventy miles per hour down the god-help-me BREAKDOWN LANE on the 405; he changes lanes with the blind confidence of shitbox drivers the world over (their motto: 'what are ya gonna do - hit me?!'); best of all, he waits waaaay too long to cut into the backed-up line of cars at the Santa Monica Boulevard offramp. This being LA, very few people honk, and though I can sense their seething looks, I don't really care.
It's a heroic effort, and he makes better time than expected (*under-promise, over-deliver," someone told me once, and I think it's true), and I'm in front of 1600 Century Park East at 1:40. Out of the cab and into the lobby and up the elevator and I sprint into the lobby of Untitled Entertainment at 1:45.
I assess the damage as I try to unwind. As a result of the frantic calling and texting session in the cab, I know that I have missed the Big Meeting with Client #1. However, they've pushed two of the publicist meetings back and will return here before taking those last two meetings. Nothing to be done about that. Good news: Client #2 has pushed his director meeting back, and I'm just in time to get to work.
I'm shown into the conference room. It's the first time I've worked with Client #2 in a while, and our session is productive. It's great, actually. My pent-up agression is perfect to pour into the material. I read like a man possessed... and, ya know, I relax, a little... and just as me and Client #2 are ending our session, Jason, the crazy young savant who runs the place, bursts in and greets me like an old friend: "You made it! Good to see you, man! You sure you don't want an office here?"
He's joking, but still.
I did it. I'm here. The work session and that thirty-second chat with Jason was all I needed, really. I am at this moment a yacht out to sea, blown almost underwater by gale-force winds... when, without warning, the winds calm and my whole life rights itself. Just like that.
My phone rings. Client number one, and can I run down so they can pick me up out front and we can head off to the publicity meetings? I'm down, and we're off. Ends up our first stop is at the building that housed not only my first agent ever, but also the restaurant Maple Drive. Both are no more. My agency I knew about; Maple Drive was a surprise. Oh, what a scene it had been, in its day.
I have a moment, just a moment, of loving all of this. I guess I have a life, a history, stories to tell, after all. The meeting goes well, and before long we're off to meeting #2, this one at the Four Seasons...
...and all of a sudden it's six-thirty and we're done. The manager's got a dinner with another client, and my client (#1) is due on the set tomorrow and has a long drive home. Their days are done.
Me? I am in Beverly Hills with no car and no plans and no place to stay for the night. Barely twenty-four hours have elapsed since the idea of this trip was first mentioned. I head to The Mondrian, the hotel on the Sunset Strip which has been my crash pad over the years. The flirty guest services manager is the daughter of an acting coach. We chat a bit and she assures me she'll "take care of the rate. And the room."
That she does. I am given a one-bedroom suite almost as large as my apartment in New York, domintated by a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows that offer a breathtaking panorama of Los Angeles at night. All of Hollywood falls away at my feet.
Confession: in my love for New York I forget, sometimes, that LA has its own beauty, a beauty rooted in a kind of crazy hope. There are moments when I, even old cynical I, allow myself this silly thought: anything can happen here. Hollywood is so.... possible from the tenth floor.
How did I get here? Truly, how?
_____________________________________
This trip has been so rushed I have neglected to call any of my LA acquaintances; strangely, I feel no urge to now. Mostly, I want to walk.
I go outside and turn right, heading east on Sunset Bouelvard. The rain has stopped, and a serious cold front has slid in behind it. This is about as cold as Southern California gets-- which, for me, is perfect.
Loud and touristy as it is, one thing I've always loved about The Strip is that it is one of the few places in Los Angeles with pedestrian traffic. But tonight, I walk alone. There are some places in the world that need humanity, places that lose some of their essence when the world is elsewhere. Tonight, The Strip is one of them, and the street feels almost sad: no yellow Ferraris driven by exotic men and their hooker-hot, sort-of-model girlfriends, not even the occaisional Mustang bearing out-of-state plates, crowded with thrilled teenagers. Just me and the occasional car gliding by. I walk past The Standard (too hipster)... past the Chateau Marmont (should I...?)... but no. I know where I'm going.
The California Pizza Kitchen at Sunset and Crescent Heights is surprsingly full, so much so that I simply head to the counter and grab a seat.
I hear a whisper and a giggle from the teenagers at the far end of the counter and realize that it's about me. Who is he, they wonder, that loser guy sitting at the counter of the CPK, reading Variety, alone during the height of the holiday season?
"Kids," I want to say, "you have no idea."
I know this because I really don't have much of an idea myself. But at least for tonight, here at the counter of the CPK in West Hollywood, I'm OK with that.
_________________________________________________
Oh, and P.S.:
My return flight, two days later, is in the afternoon; with nothing to do that morning, I decide to walk from the Mondrian down to the West Hollywood post office to mail some Christmas cards.
There's a kind of morning quiet in LA that I miss. You can miss it even if you live here, actually, if you're not a morning person. There's a whole world that exists here before the city fills with traffic: the clean, wide streets belong to the healthy retirees, with their tanned faces and white Reeboks, and those in recovery who've learned to find a similar high in coffee and sunshine that they once found in tequila and the night. This morning it's even more peaceful, for Los Angeles is not a place one comes to for the holidays; on the contrary, Los Angeles is a place one leaves. No one, it seems, is here. There's even a lonliness to the boutiques that line Sunset Plaza, empty save for the salesgirls who keep watch over racks of neglected clothes. Which is kind of romantic, in its own way.
It's a bright, crisp, chilly morning, an East-Coast morning here in LA, a rare clear day on which it's true: you really can see forever. As I'm walking back to the hotel I can see, in the distance, mountains: the San Gabriels, a good twenty miles away.
All that rain that I'd cursed when I arrived? It fell in the mountains as snow. They're covered in it.
Here in Hollywood, at ten AM on the Sunset Strip, I get my White Christmas after all. Merry Christmas.
So it's Christmastime.
Even at my age, I still love the season; I love the feeling when the days get short and everything in New York City, it seems, winds down. Classes are done for the year, holiday events are past; all I could ask for to make my Christmas season complete is a little snow. This year I've got no plans for the holiday, so I can relax and enjoy the season. A quiet week awaits.
This is what I'm thinking, anyway, on the morning of the eighteenth.
The call comes in at around around 2PM. Client #1, wondering if it'd be possible for me to attend the major management meeting that's scheduled in Beverly Hills the next day. I'm sensing this is something I should attend, but, really... tomorrow? A week before Christmas? C'mon. Then, later, as I'm in the midst of my last email-check of the night, an incoming message: Client #2, and do I happen to be in LA and could I coach for a few hours on a film tomorrow? His director meeting's at 3:30, so could I work at, maybe, 2?
I dutifully call American Airlines, wondering, just for fun, what the fare might be for a no-advance-purchase, cross-country round trip the week before Christmas.
"Oooh, yeah, that's.... ouch. But let's take a look." I love these reservation ladies at American Airlines, with their flat Midwestern accents and their "roll-up-our-sleeves-and-get-to-work" attitude. I hear rapid keyboard taps from some grim workstation in some call center I can only imagine, when... "Well, now, hold on... huh. Here's what I got..."
She quotes a fare that is in fact remarkably low, considering that the flight's departing, you know, tomorrow. I grab it and head to bed, amazed at my luck. I'm gonna make the 12:30 meeting, and Big Client #2 has secured the EXACT SAME conference room (he's with the same Management company!), so we can work there from 1:30 to 3, at which time I'll rejoin Client #1 and attend the remainder of the day's Publicist meetings.
I'm up at 5:30 the next morning, and traffic to JFK is remarkably light. I'm there by 6:20-- a quick breeze through security, over to the Starbucks (no line!) where I decide to splurge on a festive holiday Pepperment Latte, and just as I'm back at the gate they've begun to board. We push back just a hair after 7:30.
Perfect. This has all gone just perfectly. And during the dreaded Peak Holiday Travel Season, no less. After two decades of this, I may finally be bi-coastal. I'm Cruising like Tom. I'm so golden I glow. Just then, from The Flight Deck:
"Hi, folks, your captain here... I'm getting kind of a funny read on one of the fuel pump gauges... ahhhww, it's probably nothing but, ahhhww, I'm gonna just pull us back into the nearest gate and have a mechanic take a look at it. Shouldn't be more than a few minutes and we'll have you all back on your way."
I'm not concerned. Really, I'm not. I'm crusing like Tom, remember? Even so, I've got a window seat where it's possible to see the door, so I watch.
It's fifteen minutes before a beat-up pickup truck pulls up alongside the plane and an aging, ponytailed roadie from the last Greatful Dead tour climbs out. No, wait: that's our mechanic. He climbs the stairs and boards. Five minutes later, he climbs down.
"Ahhw, this is your captain again... we got maintenance here, and they're just going to talke a look at those pumps, get us on our way. Shouldn't be more than...... fifteen, twenty minutes."
I'm certinaly no longer golden. Silver, maybe. But no lower, no bronze for me, no way. At least that's what I say to the ominous quease in my gut. Then this: "In case you're wondering, folks, nothing to be concerned about - we've actually got six fuel pumps on this plane, and even though it's safe to fly with five, I, ahhhww, just wanted to get that sixth one checked out."
Wait. Waitwaitwait. Let me see if I've got this straight: FIVE working fuel pumps (and probably all six) were not good enough for goodie-two-shoes in the pilot's seat?
Twenty-five minutes later the Roadie lumbers back up the stairs. Lumbers down a few minutes later and drives off. Silence.
Finally: "Hi folks-- well, good news is the pumps were all fine (!), and we're set to go. Bad news is... we burned off a lot of fuel sittin' here, so, ahhhww.... we're gonna wait and get ourselves topped off. Just as soon as we get a fuel truck out here it shouldn't be more than... another ten mintues. Thank you for your patience." And I'm thinking: no need to thank, Asshole, for I am not patient. I am seething. I am doing the awful time-crunch math and realize that what little cushion I had for the day is gone. If we leave now, and I mean RIGHT NOW, I can still make my day as planned in LA.
It is another half-hour before the truck arrives, fuels, and leaves. We do not move.
"Hi folks... your captain again... so we're fueled up and ready to go... but all our ground crews are a little tied up right now getting other planes out to the runway, so, ahhhww.... soon as we get a crew to push us back we'll be on our way."
Yeah, well, now it's FUCKING JFK RUSH HOUR, pal. As you know. A fact which you do not want to share with your passengers because of your now-justified fear that we might mutiny.
Finally, at 9:10, we push back-- and head to a more distant runway, for by now the wind has shifted. But but but but but.....by the time we get there (You-know-who is the most conservative pilot out here, and we lose position in line to not only those maniacs from Jet Blue --two of 'em!-- but, worse, to a fucking UPS cargo plane), and we're FINALLY Number One For Departure...
...the wind shifts. And we are routed clear back across JFK, one of the largest airports in the WORLD, to our original runway.
Remember: I do not make this up.
Our Leader, of course, does not have the courage to tell the other passengers this, to do the right thing and get on that PA and say: "ahhw, well, folks, if I'd been just a LITTLE LESS OF A PUSSY it would've been us taking off right now instead of those UPS boys, but since I'm -- well, ME-- I'm going to have to drive you all back across JFK where maybe, just maybe, I'll have to DO MY JOB AND ACTUALLY TAKE THIS PLANE OFF."
My 7:30 flight leaves the ground at 9:49. I have been on this plane for almost three hours, and there's a-six-hour flight ahead of us.
_________________________________________
IT'S RAINING when we touch down at LAX and we have made up no time whatsoever, but at least we're here. Unfortunately, by this point my inner "Golden Tom" has been replaced by New England Irish Catholic, "It's-always-something" Pete, and Irish Catholic Pete will not be happy until he's actually off this God-forsaken plane and sprinting through LAX Terminal 4.
And with good reason, for as soon as the plane swings off the runway... we stop.
I laugh. The hard, bitter laugh of the psychotic and the damned. The lady next to me is certain I am crazy, and she may at this moment be correct-- save for the fact that, unlike her, I Know. I have earned my Executive Platinum status, forged it through years of enduring every airline screw-up possible, and one thing I've learned is this: when it comes to Hell Trips, when it rains, it pours. At that very moment, as if reading my mind...
"Well folks... ahhhww..."
The swagger is gone from Our Leader's voice, replaced, in an amazing display of horrific people skills, by his "joking" voice as he attempts to make light of the LIVING HELL HE HAS CREATED: "you're not going to believe this (oh yes we are), but... looks like the jetway at our gate isn't functioning, heh-heh-heh... Don't really have a free gate right now (since we're TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATE FOR NO GOOD REASON) so we're just gonna taxi out past the gate area to keep things clear and just as soon as they find a gate for us we'll get you right back in there."
We taxi through a steady rain to the farthest corner of the airport. I think we may pass a shanty-town in some remote backwater of LAX before coming to a stop in a place best used for drug deals or gangland executions.
I stare out miserably at the pools of rain. Asshole has won. He knew he had the advantage on me, buckled into seat 24A; he understood my impotence against the sheer force of his incompetance. Over the past nine hours he has beaten the rage right out of me.
______________________________________________________________
And I think he senses this, for without fanfare we are moving again, and a little after 1PM I'm back on land. I want nothing more than to collapse onto some barstool and forget this TEN HOURS OF HELL, but I must dig deep and draw upon my inner reserves and remind myself that I'm HERE now. My time in LA just beginning.
I text everyone, lying that I'm in a cab and on my way... then sprint down the concourse in a fulll-out, broken-field run (I'm Tom Cruise again! Running through an airport!)... dodging Holiday Walruses lugging their rollaway "carry-ons" the size of steamer trunks... I'm FINALLY out the door...
...and there's a cab line. And, ya know, that's cool, I'm a new Yorker so no big deal-- except that there are no cabs. And, as I quickly realize, folks here in LA are a little fuzzy on the concept of the "cab line".
There are about half a dozen travelers forming a sort-of-line by a small, neglected Taxi sign. It's a far cry from the rough efficiency of the cab lines back at JFK, but I am nothing if not fair about these things, so I get in line. Problem: I don't see any cabs, and Cab Drought tends to threaten the order of the cab line. Fearing a Donner-Party Tragedy, the group in front of me leaves. I am now Officaly And According to Me #1 in the cab line.
But not for long, for now, from my left, comes a scrum of tourists. Midwesterners, my guess. They make furtive eye contact with me... they see the taxi sign... then their gaze shifts and I watch as they scan the clusterfuck of holiday traffic and spot the lone cab veering our way. The Chubby Dad sneaks a glance back my way (yes I fucking SEE you) before faux-innocently walking out, raising his hand, "oblivious" to me--
"--yeah hey THERE'S A LINE. " That was me. They notice me now.
The Midwesterners are startled at the hostility in my outburst. 'Another New Yorker,' that's what they're thinking as they glance my way and play-act "noticing" the taxi sign. God-dammed right, I want to tell them, but no time: I'm on a mission.
_______________________________________
One thing I've come to realize in my history of cab-riding in Los Angeles is, how do I put this... the remarkable flexibility of the lisencing process here. Provided it has four tires, as far as I can tell any shitbox that can get up to freeway speed can be a cab in LA. No time to ponder, though, since it's 1:20 when I climb into the minivan that's pulled up (why do I ALWAYS get the minivan?) and scrape the door closed.
"How long to Century City?" I demand. It comes out as something of a bark.
"Oh, forty-five minutes."
"WHAT?! How is that possible??"
"Well you know the rain. Everyone drive crazy."
And I finally, finally snap. Snap like a twig.
"How do you people DO it how DO you do it how does ANYONE live here? I HATE it here I HATE it here I fucking HATE it here."
My driver just chuckles. I ask him his name.
"Erhhrv-fha". He seems Hatian to me, so I decide it's Herve.
I choke back stinging tears of frustration as I settle in for more travel torture. But I am wrong, for Herve is posessed. He pilots his jalopy, this exhaust-belching rattlerap, at seventy miles per hour down the god-help-me BREAKDOWN LANE on the 405; he changes lanes with the blind confidence of shitbox drivers the world over (their motto: 'what are ya gonna do - hit me?!'); best of all, he waits waaaay too long to cut into the backed-up line of cars at the Santa Monica Boulevard offramp. This being LA, very few people honk, and though I can sense their seething looks, I don't really care.
It's a heroic effort, and he makes better time than expected (*under-promise, over-deliver," someone told me once, and I think it's true), and I'm in front of 1600 Century Park East at 1:40. Out of the cab and into the lobby and up the elevator and I sprint into the lobby of Untitled Entertainment at 1:45.
I assess the damage as I try to unwind. As a result of the frantic calling and texting session in the cab, I know that I have missed the Big Meeting with Client #1. However, they've pushed two of the publicist meetings back and will return here before taking those last two meetings. Nothing to be done about that. Good news: Client #2 has pushed his director meeting back, and I'm just in time to get to work.
I'm shown into the conference room. It's the first time I've worked with Client #2 in a while, and our session is productive. It's great, actually. My pent-up agression is perfect to pour into the material. I read like a man possessed... and, ya know, I relax, a little... and just as me and Client #2 are ending our session, Jason, the crazy young savant who runs the place, bursts in and greets me like an old friend: "You made it! Good to see you, man! You sure you don't want an office here?"
He's joking, but still.
I did it. I'm here. The work session and that thirty-second chat with Jason was all I needed, really. I am at this moment a yacht out to sea, blown almost underwater by gale-force winds... when, without warning, the winds calm and my whole life rights itself. Just like that.
My phone rings. Client number one, and can I run down so they can pick me up out front and we can head off to the publicity meetings? I'm down, and we're off. Ends up our first stop is at the building that housed not only my first agent ever, but also the restaurant Maple Drive. Both are no more. My agency I knew about; Maple Drive was a surprise. Oh, what a scene it had been, in its day.
I have a moment, just a moment, of loving all of this. I guess I have a life, a history, stories to tell, after all. The meeting goes well, and before long we're off to meeting #2, this one at the Four Seasons...
...and all of a sudden it's six-thirty and we're done. The manager's got a dinner with another client, and my client (#1) is due on the set tomorrow and has a long drive home. Their days are done.
Me? I am in Beverly Hills with no car and no plans and no place to stay for the night. Barely twenty-four hours have elapsed since the idea of this trip was first mentioned. I head to The Mondrian, the hotel on the Sunset Strip which has been my crash pad over the years. The flirty guest services manager is the daughter of an acting coach. We chat a bit and she assures me she'll "take care of the rate. And the room."
That she does. I am given a one-bedroom suite almost as large as my apartment in New York, domintated by a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows that offer a breathtaking panorama of Los Angeles at night. All of Hollywood falls away at my feet.
Confession: in my love for New York I forget, sometimes, that LA has its own beauty, a beauty rooted in a kind of crazy hope. There are moments when I, even old cynical I, allow myself this silly thought: anything can happen here. Hollywood is so.... possible from the tenth floor.
How did I get here? Truly, how?
_____________________________________
This trip has been so rushed I have neglected to call any of my LA acquaintances; strangely, I feel no urge to now. Mostly, I want to walk.
I go outside and turn right, heading east on Sunset Bouelvard. The rain has stopped, and a serious cold front has slid in behind it. This is about as cold as Southern California gets-- which, for me, is perfect.
Loud and touristy as it is, one thing I've always loved about The Strip is that it is one of the few places in Los Angeles with pedestrian traffic. But tonight, I walk alone. There are some places in the world that need humanity, places that lose some of their essence when the world is elsewhere. Tonight, The Strip is one of them, and the street feels almost sad: no yellow Ferraris driven by exotic men and their hooker-hot, sort-of-model girlfriends, not even the occaisional Mustang bearing out-of-state plates, crowded with thrilled teenagers. Just me and the occasional car gliding by. I walk past The Standard (too hipster)... past the Chateau Marmont (should I...?)... but no. I know where I'm going.
The California Pizza Kitchen at Sunset and Crescent Heights is surprsingly full, so much so that I simply head to the counter and grab a seat.
I hear a whisper and a giggle from the teenagers at the far end of the counter and realize that it's about me. Who is he, they wonder, that loser guy sitting at the counter of the CPK, reading Variety, alone during the height of the holiday season?
"Kids," I want to say, "you have no idea."
I know this because I really don't have much of an idea myself. But at least for tonight, here at the counter of the CPK in West Hollywood, I'm OK with that.
_________________________________________________
Oh, and P.S.:
My return flight, two days later, is in the afternoon; with nothing to do that morning, I decide to walk from the Mondrian down to the West Hollywood post office to mail some Christmas cards.
There's a kind of morning quiet in LA that I miss. You can miss it even if you live here, actually, if you're not a morning person. There's a whole world that exists here before the city fills with traffic: the clean, wide streets belong to the healthy retirees, with their tanned faces and white Reeboks, and those in recovery who've learned to find a similar high in coffee and sunshine that they once found in tequila and the night. This morning it's even more peaceful, for Los Angeles is not a place one comes to for the holidays; on the contrary, Los Angeles is a place one leaves. No one, it seems, is here. There's even a lonliness to the boutiques that line Sunset Plaza, empty save for the salesgirls who keep watch over racks of neglected clothes. Which is kind of romantic, in its own way.
It's a bright, crisp, chilly morning, an East-Coast morning here in LA, a rare clear day on which it's true: you really can see forever. As I'm walking back to the hotel I can see, in the distance, mountains: the San Gabriels, a good twenty miles away.
All that rain that I'd cursed when I arrived? It fell in the mountains as snow. They're covered in it.
Here in Hollywood, at ten AM on the Sunset Strip, I get my White Christmas after all. Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Academy Awards Night: toiling in Heaven, a Gown, and the Mystery of Faith
You see, the thing of it is... she bought a gown.
My assistant Ashley Avis informs me of this on Saturday afternoon. I'd stopped by her hotel room, having left her on her own while I went for a couple of "hi-hello" meetings, and...
...Let's back up.
I was in LA for a short trip over Oscar weekend. Just three days prior, Ashley had expressed her jealousy about my trip, and I'd tossed off a casual "you should come if you want..." and now, in that way that she has, here she was. She'd neglected to rent a car, so we'd pretty much been joined at the hip so far. After lunch I'd dropped her off at Sunset Plaza; her stated plan had been simply to "just hang out with a book." Instead, she'd ended up buying The Gown.
In truth, I have mixed feelings about "making the scene" this weekend. I love coming to LA during the winter; I care little for the temperature, actually preferring those chilly LA winter days that carry a little bite in the air and give all Angelinos an excuse to break out their chic winter leftovers from previous lives on the East Coast. That same wind that brings the chill brings rare clarity to the sky, and one is reminded that Los Angeles is, in fact, a beautiful place. I'd felt a sort of spa-weekend relaxation coming on, and I found myself looking forward to reconnecting with some good friends and laying low.
Nonetheless, I'd already made a few brief party inquiries on Ashley's behalf, but since out here The Oscars represent Christmas and Chanukah and The Fourth of July all rolled into one, well... it's a lot to ask, especially at the eleventh-and-a-half hour. I neither expected nor particularly desired success.
So the Gown. I'm thinking, you know, "gown" is such a broad word; maybe she simply bought a long-ish dress. She offers to try it on, and I'm hoping in some odd way to be underwhelmed. Moments later she emerges from the bathroom...
It's exquisite. It's breathtaking. It looks as if an Italian lady had spent a week making it specifically for her. The Gown is Ashley all the way, and she knows it.
And as I'm looking at her all I can think, truly, is this: where the hell is she going to wear that?
I decide to let it go. Big mistake.
______________________________________________________________________________
I began the next morning as I do most mornings: lying in bed, thinking. The previous night, I'd been in touch with a composer friend; he'd confessed that while he very much wanted to meet up, he had some scoring due the following week so for him the weekend would be best spent working. I don't think he knew how much his simple statement-- "I'm working this weekend"-- had affected me. Let me explain.
There is a profound, never-spoken truth which guides every soul who toils in this business: we don't HAVE to work; we are ALLOWED to work. We work only when asked. And to work-- no, to be asked to work-- is a privilege. It's heaven. And no matter how I spun it, there was no way around the troubling fact that while my friend was toiling in Heaven last night, I'd been at Bar Marmont with my assistant. As I lay in bed that Osacr morning, contemplating the mercurial happiness of work in the film business, I had something of an epiphany:
I was not meant to party this weekend, at all. That will be for later. I found myself looking forward to watching the Academy Awards with a few friends; I imagined our gossip, our spirited rants on the obvious injustice of the inevitable poor choices, and suddenly I was happy. Maybe, I thought, true epiphanies can only occur on pilgrimages. Maybe it has to do with nothing more than breathing strange air.
I inform Ashley of The Epiphany at brunch. I rhapsodize about the writing I should be doing and the acting she hopes to do. I try to mentor her as best I can by suggesting that all of this-- the parties and the limos and the bling and the swag and the overblown, red-carpeted glory of it all-- are not why we're here.
Back in the car, silence. I assume Ashley, like I, is contemplating The Epiphany. Finally, she speaks.
"Sooo... did anyone get back to you about any parties tonight?"
My heart sinks. Ash had understood nothing about The Epiphany. Or, more likely, the whispered promise of The Gown was simply too strong.
Me: "Ashley, didn't you get any of it at all? Was my entire rap wasted?? These parties are not the point! It's the work!!"
Ashley: "But how do you know that you won't get work done a party?? How do you know we won't meet someone that will change your life?"
"Because I've been to these things, and they're always, always disappoining--"
"--but you never know unless you--"
"--Ashley!"
"OK! That's fine!"
More silence in the car. Then, Ashley again: "I don't know, maybe we could just... " She throws a pleading gaze at me. "Are you sure you couldn't just....?"
She leaves the plea just hanging there. She blinks a few times, swallows, forces a grin. There is an air of such sadness in the car that I feel as if I just told her she wasn't getting a pony.
Know this: Ashley is the sort who gets the pony. Problem is, it's after three o'clock. Out of time and ideas, I blurt out: "Well, for Chrissakes. I really don't care, but if you want to go to something so badly why don't you just look on Craigslist?"
Five minutes later, as the sun sets on a beautiful Oscar Sunday, I find myself in an abandoned Starbucks on Olympic Boulevard as Ashley hunches over my laptop, scrolling through Craigslist. To my surprise (and Ashley's disappointment) there are a grand total of two items. The first: two awards ceremony tickets, which include two tickets to the Governor's Ball. Price? Forty thousand dollars. The second is this: ACADEMY AWARDS PARTY TICKETS-- ESQUIRE PARTY ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY. After a little blah blah puffery, there's a # to call, and a price: $5000 a ticket. Yeah, whatever. Just before we leave Ashley hits the refresh button. See if there's anything new. Nothing, except this:
ACADEMY AWARDS PARTY TICKETS-- ESQUIRE PARTY ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY Only now, $2000 a ticket.
Huh. Ashley takes the number down.
We head to the apartment of a friend to watch the awards. As the ceremony begins, we engage in a discussion of the worth to Ashley of the Esquire tickets: one hundred dollars apiece? Two? Three? This feels high to me, but what the hell; I tell her to make the call. It's agreed that she'll offer a far, far far lower amount for the pair. I urge her to make me the Bad Cop, and she leaves a message claiming she's calling for me. Sure enough, sixty seconds later her phone rings: It's "Albert", saying yes, the tickets are still available. As Ashley runs into the other room to talk I urge her to stick to the script we'd rehearsed. "Albert" was offended at her offer, Ashley tells us when she returns.
The awards ceremony is long. But... just as The Departed is announced as the best picture of the year... the phone rings. It's "Albert."
______________________________________________________________________________
The party's at The Abbey, Robertson at Santa Monica. There's a celebrity entrance to the event, Klieg lites and a red carpet. And I know how these things work, and Ashley looks like, well, Someone... so the shot is just to hit the carpet. Sure enough, as soon as we step onto the red carpet a photographer begins snapping away. As we head into the party, here's what I figure: Ash has walked a red carpet and an Academy Awards party, she's worn the gown, she even got a little paparazzi action. If nothing else, that alone makes the tickets worthwhile.
It's clear when we get in that we are on the late end of an early party. I scan the room: a few familiar faces.... there's some of the "Entourage" crew... I see a couple of "Former Students"... and then, behind Ashley, I see my client and friend, Rick Fox.
"PEEEE---KAAAYYYY!!!"
He screams this as he takes me into a bear hug. And at 6' 6", Rick can take even a grown man into a hell of a bear hug.
"Oh Man this is perfect!!! Hey, listen, I want you to meet..." and he introduces me to a Senior William Morris Agent, who's helping package some of Rick's projects and is the head of William Morris Independent, a division of the esteemed agency.
After an impromptu pitch of a script Rick and I had developed some time back ("OK, there's a serial killer in the NBA..."), I ask Rick: "So... what are you guys up to later?" Rick seems genuinely pleased at the prospect of hanging out. "Well, we're going to Prince's thing.... then we're going to Patrick Whitesell's party. You going?"
Patrick Whitesell is one of the power agents behind Endeavor and his party, with Rick Yorn, is THE after-party (post-Vanity Fair) on Oscar Night.
Rick again: "Yeah yeah-- let's all go up to Patrick's. This is great! See ya later PK. See ya later Ashley." And he's off.
Sure. Just go to Patrick Whitesell's party. As long as I know him, Rick will never understand that life functions differently for the rest of us.
Ashley is triumphant. "See? See???" I tell her that this scenario is unlikely but she is unfazed by this. There is a Master Plan, she is convinced, that is coming together.
_____________________________________________________
Like all Hollywood Hills parties, it is not possible to drive to this event; you've got to park at an "undisclosed location" from where shuttle buses will take you up. After spending a little more time at Esquire, we decide that the thing to do is to drive by the Secret parking area, just to check it out. As we approach, I head into the right lane to get a look... and suddenly there's a Sheriff in front of me, impatiently "flashlinghting" me into the parking lot. OK. Change of plans.
Once we pull in the car is immediately surrounded by a scrum of valets and whisked away, to its own undisclosed location... and we're ushered along a gated line to check-in to claim our wristbands. No matter who you are, no matter how bright your star, this is a wristband event. You can't even get into the shuttle vans without one. This is bad. I approach the mellowest looking kid, and announce: "Dude, don't even look at your list. Trust me, we ain't on it. Rick Fox is my client, and we saw him and (William Morris Agent) at the Esquire party and they invited us and told me they'd call you guys."
The kid offers no hope. "Yeah.... Rick... we love him, but.. it's really bad this year. Celebrities are only like plus one or maybe plus two. So, you'll have to wait for him, but..." he glances around...I'd like to, but..."
The sixth-sensing boss immediately hustles over. "Are you on the list?" No, we're not. "Then you'll have to move on." Some metal gates are separated and we're back in the valet area. I offer up my valet ticket, and we wait.
And wait. And it's getting chilly, so I give Ashley my coat. As I look around, I observe to Ashley that this is kind of a Hollywood experience, too.
There is no crack in Ashley's armor. "Yep! Maybe there's a reason. We'll see!" She says this as if I am silly and maybe weak to doubt Fate. I miss that quality in myself, that religious certainty common to The Young.
Maybe there's a reason, I'm thinking, for the fact that we still don't have our car. A search party of valets is sent out after our initial guy, and while I'm watching all this unfold... my phone. It's a text message from Rick:
JUST GOT DONE SPEAKING WITH (BIG PRODUCER) AND MY AGENT PITCHED HIM THE MOVIE AND HE LOVED IT.
Huh. His AGENT pitched it. Huh.
I text Rick back that we're at the parking lot, and there's no way we're gettin' up the hill. A moment later, just as the familiar headlights of my rented Pontiac swing into the lot....
My phone again. Another text, from Rick: CALL THIS # 310 123 4567 THAT'S MY DRIVER HE WILL TAKE YOU UP.
I dial the number.
The Pontiac pulls up.
The valet gets out, holds open the door.
The phone's ringing. We're holding up the line. The valets are getting imapatient.
Suddenly, on the street just next to the lot... a chauffeur outside a black Escalade limo, looking right at us, waving his cell phone.
"Put the car back," I tell the valet. "We're goin' up."
______________________________________________________________________________
At the house, more Sheriffs. More paparazzi. As soon as we step out of the car things move veryvery fast:
HUGE Dude #1: "where are your wristbands?"--
Me: "We were told just to come up--"
--Huge Dude #2: "You're gonna have to go back down and get them--"
--Ashley now: "call Rick, just call him--"
--Now a Sheriff: "Sir you're gonna have to MOVE THAT VEHICLE--"
--and now another voice: "Rick Fox Rick Fox!!" It's our driver, window down, shouting it at still another list-keeper as he madly points at me--
--now the List-Keeper looks at me-- "What's you're name?"
--I tell him. He looks at Ash. "And, you're... Ashley?"
He produces a pair of wristbands.
The walk up the driveway is quiet. Attendants on either side discreetly shine small, LCD flashlights down at the driveway, pointing out the cracks, illuminating our steps. A ballet of tiny blue fireflies, guiding us. As we finally enter the space, I think: now this is more like it.
There's a DJ, kicking a very dance-able seventies mix with a cool techno thing underneath. Among the ladies, an awful lot of gowns. And, of course, the walls: floor-to-ceiling glass with the obligatory jaw-dropping views of LA at night, twinkling out to infinity. It's almost 1 AM, and one gets the feeling that this thing is just getting started.
First order of business: find Rick and The Producer, and let's seal this deal. The first bar we come to is relatively quiet, but I do recognize the man leaning there as Peter Farrelly, one of the Farrelly brothers of comedy-film fame. I've got a nodding acquaintance with Peter, and when he glances at me with that look of vague recognition I decide I should say Hi. The night had finally clicked into place. The next few hours are a blur of...
...Ashley repeatedly getting bar-jostled by Paris Hilton.... Jon Bon Jovi, looking great but, a little lost, until Sean Penn grabs him from behind in a bear hug. (Lost no more... some kid in a t-shirt and baseball cap reaching in front of me-- "excuse me-- Djimon! Djimon, come here! There's someone I want you to meet!" Ends up the baseball-capped kid is Leonardo DiCaprio, reaching for his Blood Diamond costar....
... and finally, Rick. In truth, not hard to spot. He's in Party mode and The Producer's not to be found, but we discuss the meeting, the pitch, and it's agreed that I need to buff up the script within a week, since Big Producer won't stay hot for the project for long.
The night continues like this. Ashley, being helpful, suggests that maybe I should meet "some director types." I suggest that there are few director types I'd really need to meet.
"What about that Scorcese fellow? I bumped into him on the way to the bathroom."
Wait. Waitwaitwait. You. Ashley, you... "bumped into" one of my few living heroes?
I launch into a rap about how this house, this beautiful place that holds all these beautiful people on this beautiful night, is not really built on a concrete slab, not really... it's built on the work of people like him. This is Oscar night, after all, and no one gathers to celebrate the commercial success of Kangaroo Jack. We are all here to celebrate the making of films of meaning. He, and those like him, have done that, and are the reason for all of this. Him, I want to meet. But he's moved on from where Ashley saw him last, and when we finally do see him he's surrounded by a crowd of admirers. I decide that, for tonight, this is enough; our work here is done.
But as we prepare to head out.... a scent, faint yet unmistakable. Breakfast. They're cooking breakfast. And it's 4:30 AM, and Ashley's hungry.
The kitchen area is crowded indeed, but more than that... there's something odd about the crowd, which takes me a second to figure: Ashley, who stands 6' 2" in her heels... is the shortest woman in the room. I point this out to Ashley, who instantly snaps back: "I know that. I don't. LIKE IT."
I don't know why, but this cracks me up and may be my favorite memory of the night. Except for this:
As I'm jockeying for counter position near the food, I catch a glimpse of something set on the counter in front of the short, tuxedoed man in front of me. Something gold. It's a statue.
I tap the gentleman on the shoulder, who is with a woman so short I'd not even seen her amongst the Amazonian Throng.
"Excuse me..." I point to the statue. "What did you win for?"
The man, in a heavy Spanish accent: "Art direction. Pan's Labyrinth." The woman smiles, and nods.
"Oh, my god! Congratulations!!! What you did was so... just wonderful, wonderful, really." I launch into a little congratulatory small talk; they're happy for the praise. Inspiration strikes. "Listen... my assistant's never held one of those... would you mind?"
They both smile. Of course. Please. They offer me the statue. I turn to Ashley.
Ashley takes it and begins to hyperventilate. She clutches Oscar with one hand by the waist, and instinctively puts her other hand underneath the base... and the Spaniards are laughing, and I'm smiling, and Ash is standing there in her gown, clutching an Academy award, finally speechless. Behind her, the sky above Hollywood is just beginning to glow with the dawn.
Woody Allen is right: so much of life is simply showing up. I think of sitting at Shutters with Ashley that same morning, trying to talk some sense into her and let her down easy. I think of the impossible chain of events that led in a remarkably straight line from that moment to this one. Standing here, laughing with two wonderful Spaniards, as my assistant clutches an Oscar surrounded by waffle-eating supermodels. In the adjoining room, screams of joy erupt from the dance floor as "Love Rollercoaster" kicks in.
Rollercoaster, indeed. I prefer to think of it as the mystery of faith. All that is left is to go back down the hill, and sleep.
My assistant Ashley Avis informs me of this on Saturday afternoon. I'd stopped by her hotel room, having left her on her own while I went for a couple of "hi-hello" meetings, and...
...Let's back up.
I was in LA for a short trip over Oscar weekend. Just three days prior, Ashley had expressed her jealousy about my trip, and I'd tossed off a casual "you should come if you want..." and now, in that way that she has, here she was. She'd neglected to rent a car, so we'd pretty much been joined at the hip so far. After lunch I'd dropped her off at Sunset Plaza; her stated plan had been simply to "just hang out with a book." Instead, she'd ended up buying The Gown.
In truth, I have mixed feelings about "making the scene" this weekend. I love coming to LA during the winter; I care little for the temperature, actually preferring those chilly LA winter days that carry a little bite in the air and give all Angelinos an excuse to break out their chic winter leftovers from previous lives on the East Coast. That same wind that brings the chill brings rare clarity to the sky, and one is reminded that Los Angeles is, in fact, a beautiful place. I'd felt a sort of spa-weekend relaxation coming on, and I found myself looking forward to reconnecting with some good friends and laying low.
Nonetheless, I'd already made a few brief party inquiries on Ashley's behalf, but since out here The Oscars represent Christmas and Chanukah and The Fourth of July all rolled into one, well... it's a lot to ask, especially at the eleventh-and-a-half hour. I neither expected nor particularly desired success.
So the Gown. I'm thinking, you know, "gown" is such a broad word; maybe she simply bought a long-ish dress. She offers to try it on, and I'm hoping in some odd way to be underwhelmed. Moments later she emerges from the bathroom...
It's exquisite. It's breathtaking. It looks as if an Italian lady had spent a week making it specifically for her. The Gown is Ashley all the way, and she knows it.
And as I'm looking at her all I can think, truly, is this: where the hell is she going to wear that?
I decide to let it go. Big mistake.
______________________________________________________________________________
I began the next morning as I do most mornings: lying in bed, thinking. The previous night, I'd been in touch with a composer friend; he'd confessed that while he very much wanted to meet up, he had some scoring due the following week so for him the weekend would be best spent working. I don't think he knew how much his simple statement-- "I'm working this weekend"-- had affected me. Let me explain.
There is a profound, never-spoken truth which guides every soul who toils in this business: we don't HAVE to work; we are ALLOWED to work. We work only when asked. And to work-- no, to be asked to work-- is a privilege. It's heaven. And no matter how I spun it, there was no way around the troubling fact that while my friend was toiling in Heaven last night, I'd been at Bar Marmont with my assistant. As I lay in bed that Osacr morning, contemplating the mercurial happiness of work in the film business, I had something of an epiphany:
I was not meant to party this weekend, at all. That will be for later. I found myself looking forward to watching the Academy Awards with a few friends; I imagined our gossip, our spirited rants on the obvious injustice of the inevitable poor choices, and suddenly I was happy. Maybe, I thought, true epiphanies can only occur on pilgrimages. Maybe it has to do with nothing more than breathing strange air.
I inform Ashley of The Epiphany at brunch. I rhapsodize about the writing I should be doing and the acting she hopes to do. I try to mentor her as best I can by suggesting that all of this-- the parties and the limos and the bling and the swag and the overblown, red-carpeted glory of it all-- are not why we're here.
Back in the car, silence. I assume Ashley, like I, is contemplating The Epiphany. Finally, she speaks.
"Sooo... did anyone get back to you about any parties tonight?"
My heart sinks. Ash had understood nothing about The Epiphany. Or, more likely, the whispered promise of The Gown was simply too strong.
Me: "Ashley, didn't you get any of it at all? Was my entire rap wasted?? These parties are not the point! It's the work!!"
Ashley: "But how do you know that you won't get work done a party?? How do you know we won't meet someone that will change your life?"
"Because I've been to these things, and they're always, always disappoining--"
"--but you never know unless you--"
"--Ashley!"
"OK! That's fine!"
More silence in the car. Then, Ashley again: "I don't know, maybe we could just... " She throws a pleading gaze at me. "Are you sure you couldn't just....?"
She leaves the plea just hanging there. She blinks a few times, swallows, forces a grin. There is an air of such sadness in the car that I feel as if I just told her she wasn't getting a pony.
Know this: Ashley is the sort who gets the pony. Problem is, it's after three o'clock. Out of time and ideas, I blurt out: "Well, for Chrissakes. I really don't care, but if you want to go to something so badly why don't you just look on Craigslist?"
Five minutes later, as the sun sets on a beautiful Oscar Sunday, I find myself in an abandoned Starbucks on Olympic Boulevard as Ashley hunches over my laptop, scrolling through Craigslist. To my surprise (and Ashley's disappointment) there are a grand total of two items. The first: two awards ceremony tickets, which include two tickets to the Governor's Ball. Price? Forty thousand dollars. The second is this: ACADEMY AWARDS PARTY TICKETS-- ESQUIRE PARTY ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY. After a little blah blah puffery, there's a # to call, and a price: $5000 a ticket. Yeah, whatever. Just before we leave Ashley hits the refresh button. See if there's anything new. Nothing, except this:
ACADEMY AWARDS PARTY TICKETS-- ESQUIRE PARTY ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY Only now, $2000 a ticket.
Huh. Ashley takes the number down.
We head to the apartment of a friend to watch the awards. As the ceremony begins, we engage in a discussion of the worth to Ashley of the Esquire tickets: one hundred dollars apiece? Two? Three? This feels high to me, but what the hell; I tell her to make the call. It's agreed that she'll offer a far, far far lower amount for the pair. I urge her to make me the Bad Cop, and she leaves a message claiming she's calling for me. Sure enough, sixty seconds later her phone rings: It's "Albert", saying yes, the tickets are still available. As Ashley runs into the other room to talk I urge her to stick to the script we'd rehearsed. "Albert" was offended at her offer, Ashley tells us when she returns.
The awards ceremony is long. But... just as The Departed is announced as the best picture of the year... the phone rings. It's "Albert."
______________________________________________________________________________
The party's at The Abbey, Robertson at Santa Monica. There's a celebrity entrance to the event, Klieg lites and a red carpet. And I know how these things work, and Ashley looks like, well, Someone... so the shot is just to hit the carpet. Sure enough, as soon as we step onto the red carpet a photographer begins snapping away. As we head into the party, here's what I figure: Ash has walked a red carpet and an Academy Awards party, she's worn the gown, she even got a little paparazzi action. If nothing else, that alone makes the tickets worthwhile.
It's clear when we get in that we are on the late end of an early party. I scan the room: a few familiar faces.... there's some of the "Entourage" crew... I see a couple of "Former Students"... and then, behind Ashley, I see my client and friend, Rick Fox.
"PEEEE---KAAAYYYY!!!"
He screams this as he takes me into a bear hug. And at 6' 6", Rick can take even a grown man into a hell of a bear hug.
"Oh Man this is perfect!!! Hey, listen, I want you to meet..." and he introduces me to a Senior William Morris Agent, who's helping package some of Rick's projects and is the head of William Morris Independent, a division of the esteemed agency.
After an impromptu pitch of a script Rick and I had developed some time back ("OK, there's a serial killer in the NBA..."), I ask Rick: "So... what are you guys up to later?" Rick seems genuinely pleased at the prospect of hanging out. "Well, we're going to Prince's thing.... then we're going to Patrick Whitesell's party. You going?"
Patrick Whitesell is one of the power agents behind Endeavor and his party, with Rick Yorn, is THE after-party (post-Vanity Fair) on Oscar Night.
Rick again: "Yeah yeah-- let's all go up to Patrick's. This is great! See ya later PK. See ya later Ashley." And he's off.
Sure. Just go to Patrick Whitesell's party. As long as I know him, Rick will never understand that life functions differently for the rest of us.
Ashley is triumphant. "See? See???" I tell her that this scenario is unlikely but she is unfazed by this. There is a Master Plan, she is convinced, that is coming together.
_____________________________________________________
Like all Hollywood Hills parties, it is not possible to drive to this event; you've got to park at an "undisclosed location" from where shuttle buses will take you up. After spending a little more time at Esquire, we decide that the thing to do is to drive by the Secret parking area, just to check it out. As we approach, I head into the right lane to get a look... and suddenly there's a Sheriff in front of me, impatiently "flashlinghting" me into the parking lot. OK. Change of plans.
Once we pull in the car is immediately surrounded by a scrum of valets and whisked away, to its own undisclosed location... and we're ushered along a gated line to check-in to claim our wristbands. No matter who you are, no matter how bright your star, this is a wristband event. You can't even get into the shuttle vans without one. This is bad. I approach the mellowest looking kid, and announce: "Dude, don't even look at your list. Trust me, we ain't on it. Rick Fox is my client, and we saw him and (William Morris Agent) at the Esquire party and they invited us and told me they'd call you guys."
The kid offers no hope. "Yeah.... Rick... we love him, but.. it's really bad this year. Celebrities are only like plus one or maybe plus two. So, you'll have to wait for him, but..." he glances around...I'd like to, but..."
The sixth-sensing boss immediately hustles over. "Are you on the list?" No, we're not. "Then you'll have to move on." Some metal gates are separated and we're back in the valet area. I offer up my valet ticket, and we wait.
And wait. And it's getting chilly, so I give Ashley my coat. As I look around, I observe to Ashley that this is kind of a Hollywood experience, too.
There is no crack in Ashley's armor. "Yep! Maybe there's a reason. We'll see!" She says this as if I am silly and maybe weak to doubt Fate. I miss that quality in myself, that religious certainty common to The Young.
Maybe there's a reason, I'm thinking, for the fact that we still don't have our car. A search party of valets is sent out after our initial guy, and while I'm watching all this unfold... my phone. It's a text message from Rick:
JUST GOT DONE SPEAKING WITH (BIG PRODUCER) AND MY AGENT PITCHED HIM THE MOVIE AND HE LOVED IT.
Huh. His AGENT pitched it. Huh.
I text Rick back that we're at the parking lot, and there's no way we're gettin' up the hill. A moment later, just as the familiar headlights of my rented Pontiac swing into the lot....
My phone again. Another text, from Rick: CALL THIS # 310 123 4567 THAT'S MY DRIVER HE WILL TAKE YOU UP.
I dial the number.
The Pontiac pulls up.
The valet gets out, holds open the door.
The phone's ringing. We're holding up the line. The valets are getting imapatient.
Suddenly, on the street just next to the lot... a chauffeur outside a black Escalade limo, looking right at us, waving his cell phone.
"Put the car back," I tell the valet. "We're goin' up."
______________________________________________________________________________
At the house, more Sheriffs. More paparazzi. As soon as we step out of the car things move veryvery fast:
HUGE Dude #1: "where are your wristbands?"--
Me: "We were told just to come up--"
--Huge Dude #2: "You're gonna have to go back down and get them--"
--Ashley now: "call Rick, just call him--"
--Now a Sheriff: "Sir you're gonna have to MOVE THAT VEHICLE--"
--and now another voice: "Rick Fox Rick Fox!!" It's our driver, window down, shouting it at still another list-keeper as he madly points at me--
--now the List-Keeper looks at me-- "What's you're name?"
--I tell him. He looks at Ash. "And, you're... Ashley?"
He produces a pair of wristbands.
The walk up the driveway is quiet. Attendants on either side discreetly shine small, LCD flashlights down at the driveway, pointing out the cracks, illuminating our steps. A ballet of tiny blue fireflies, guiding us. As we finally enter the space, I think: now this is more like it.
There's a DJ, kicking a very dance-able seventies mix with a cool techno thing underneath. Among the ladies, an awful lot of gowns. And, of course, the walls: floor-to-ceiling glass with the obligatory jaw-dropping views of LA at night, twinkling out to infinity. It's almost 1 AM, and one gets the feeling that this thing is just getting started.
First order of business: find Rick and The Producer, and let's seal this deal. The first bar we come to is relatively quiet, but I do recognize the man leaning there as Peter Farrelly, one of the Farrelly brothers of comedy-film fame. I've got a nodding acquaintance with Peter, and when he glances at me with that look of vague recognition I decide I should say Hi. The night had finally clicked into place. The next few hours are a blur of...
...Ashley repeatedly getting bar-jostled by Paris Hilton.... Jon Bon Jovi, looking great but, a little lost, until Sean Penn grabs him from behind in a bear hug. (Lost no more... some kid in a t-shirt and baseball cap reaching in front of me-- "excuse me-- Djimon! Djimon, come here! There's someone I want you to meet!" Ends up the baseball-capped kid is Leonardo DiCaprio, reaching for his Blood Diamond costar....
... and finally, Rick. In truth, not hard to spot. He's in Party mode and The Producer's not to be found, but we discuss the meeting, the pitch, and it's agreed that I need to buff up the script within a week, since Big Producer won't stay hot for the project for long.
The night continues like this. Ashley, being helpful, suggests that maybe I should meet "some director types." I suggest that there are few director types I'd really need to meet.
"What about that Scorcese fellow? I bumped into him on the way to the bathroom."
Wait. Waitwaitwait. You. Ashley, you... "bumped into" one of my few living heroes?
I launch into a rap about how this house, this beautiful place that holds all these beautiful people on this beautiful night, is not really built on a concrete slab, not really... it's built on the work of people like him. This is Oscar night, after all, and no one gathers to celebrate the commercial success of Kangaroo Jack. We are all here to celebrate the making of films of meaning. He, and those like him, have done that, and are the reason for all of this. Him, I want to meet. But he's moved on from where Ashley saw him last, and when we finally do see him he's surrounded by a crowd of admirers. I decide that, for tonight, this is enough; our work here is done.
But as we prepare to head out.... a scent, faint yet unmistakable. Breakfast. They're cooking breakfast. And it's 4:30 AM, and Ashley's hungry.
The kitchen area is crowded indeed, but more than that... there's something odd about the crowd, which takes me a second to figure: Ashley, who stands 6' 2" in her heels... is the shortest woman in the room. I point this out to Ashley, who instantly snaps back: "I know that. I don't. LIKE IT."
I don't know why, but this cracks me up and may be my favorite memory of the night. Except for this:
As I'm jockeying for counter position near the food, I catch a glimpse of something set on the counter in front of the short, tuxedoed man in front of me. Something gold. It's a statue.
I tap the gentleman on the shoulder, who is with a woman so short I'd not even seen her amongst the Amazonian Throng.
"Excuse me..." I point to the statue. "What did you win for?"
The man, in a heavy Spanish accent: "Art direction. Pan's Labyrinth." The woman smiles, and nods.
"Oh, my god! Congratulations!!! What you did was so... just wonderful, wonderful, really." I launch into a little congratulatory small talk; they're happy for the praise. Inspiration strikes. "Listen... my assistant's never held one of those... would you mind?"
They both smile. Of course. Please. They offer me the statue. I turn to Ashley.
Ashley takes it and begins to hyperventilate. She clutches Oscar with one hand by the waist, and instinctively puts her other hand underneath the base... and the Spaniards are laughing, and I'm smiling, and Ash is standing there in her gown, clutching an Academy award, finally speechless. Behind her, the sky above Hollywood is just beginning to glow with the dawn.
Woody Allen is right: so much of life is simply showing up. I think of sitting at Shutters with Ashley that same morning, trying to talk some sense into her and let her down easy. I think of the impossible chain of events that led in a remarkably straight line from that moment to this one. Standing here, laughing with two wonderful Spaniards, as my assistant clutches an Oscar surrounded by waffle-eating supermodels. In the adjoining room, screams of joy erupt from the dance floor as "Love Rollercoaster" kicks in.
Rollercoaster, indeed. I prefer to think of it as the mystery of faith. All that is left is to go back down the hill, and sleep.
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